Does a Bear Sit in the Woods? Epic News Reading Fail

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Best news reading fail ever.

Posted via email from poobumwee's posterous

Tommy Cooper: Comic Genius

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in it, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? ' 'It's not unusual.'
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?''No, because he's really heavy'
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start.'
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'
23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Getting High on Tomatoes?

A Scottish Pensioner living in Sheildaig is recovering after being bust by the drug squad, who mistook her tomato crop for weed.

As Lulu Matheson was warming herself by the fire at her remote rural cottage, police and sniffer dogs burst through the door.
The officers were sure that the house was a cannabis factory – and refused to accept that her pot plants weren’t . . . well, pot plants.
Despite protestations by the 79-year-old widow that they were looking at her family’s prized tomato crop, the officers insisted on sending samples of the plants to be analysed.

I was surprised that you could grow tomatoes in Sheildaig. When my brother was in cannibis growing mode when he was in High School, he would often start off his cannabis plants in the greenhouse before transferring them outside. I don't think my mum ever knew what those interesting looking plants were. Not tomatoes, that is for sure.

Here in Adelaide there is a massive hydroponic cannabis industry, with excellent growing conditions and lots of places to hide cannabis plantations in remote parts of the state. Our last house had a very big garage which the previous tenants had converted into a cannabis growing farm. They were busted when one of the neighbours spotted the illegal electrical connection glowing red. One of our friends, who is a helicopter pilot here told me of his trips to identify cannabis plantations. He said it was very intangible the identifying factors from the air, but it was a very unique look.

Not so for the bobbies in Sheildaig. I hope they bought her some tomatoes from the supermarket to replace the ones they tested.