Scots, known for their economy and looking on in horror at the cost of the Olympics in London are trying a different strategy to get the Commonwealthy Games in Glasgow in 2014.
Personally, I am not sure why anyone would want to do athletic events in Scotland. I can remember watching the Commonwealth Games in Edinburgh sometime in the 70s, when it pissed down the whole day. Poor miserable conditions for athletes. That said, we Scots have a cunning plan to win the games and the money it will bring to our dour economy.
Many of the famous events which go to
make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2014 to boost Glasgow's bid. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced
below:
OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of
Ferguslie Park, or one of Counciller Terry Kelly's Constituents, in the traditional dress of balaclava and a Burberry shell suit.
The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous Commonwealth Games, Scotland's competitors have not
been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some
of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local
athletes.
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one
in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog
will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
fences, Walls etc)
HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish
to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause
the most physical damage within three attempts.
TOSSING THE CABER
Participants will first find a suitable telephone pole and bring it to the stadium, prior to tossing it.
FENCING
This event shall be sponsored by Cash Converters who shall also
provide the hardware. The contest itself shall be based outside kebab
shops in Baillieston, Riddrie, Drumchapel, and Easterhouse....the
winner shall be the one who can leave A & E first.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The
first target will be a moving police van. In the second round,
competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or
Securicor-style wages delivery man.
The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a
choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore
shotgun.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams,
and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15
pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea
when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the Glasgow University bike
shed and takes an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy
on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing,
joyriding, underage drinking and arson.
SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once
one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be
organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this
year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky
ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will
be provided by Belle and Sebastian.
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided. Likely somewhere near Oban.
MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow,
especially anyone that appears to be mincing...
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Govan Health in the Community, anti-drug campaigners, synchronised
rock throwing, and music by the Dennistoun community choir. The flame
will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable
pitch invasion by confused old firm fans.
The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local
athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the
central heating boiler.
These are just the initial contingency plans, but it sure beats spending 15 billion pounds to fix up some neighbourhoods in East London.
The selection committee has already been threatened with severe bodily injury and tempted with the promise ipods full of Andy Stewart to make this an event not to be missed.
The killer strategy is that the management committee has been advised by Global Warming experts that Glasgow can expect mediterranean climate conditions by the time the games commence.
So why would you hold them anywhere else?
