‪The Leader of Opposition and His Considered Position on the Issues of the Day‬‏

via youtube.com

I thought this had been edited cleverly, but clearly it is for real.

Posted via email from poobumwee's posterous

All You Need To Know Ladies

                         The Man Rules  
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

  Finally , the guys' side of the story.

We always hear " the Rules " 
From the female side.  

  Now here are the rules from the male side.    

These are our rules!

 

1.   Men are NOT mind readers.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

3. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon 
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

4. Crying is blackmail.

5. Ask for what you want. 

Let us be clear on this one: 
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! 
Just say it!

6. Yes or No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. 
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. 


9. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the  otherway

11. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done. 
Not both.
And if you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials…. 

13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have noidea what mauve is.

15. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

16. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. 
We know you are lying, but i t is just not worth the hassle. 

17. If you ask a question that you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer that you don't want to hear.

18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, hockey
or golf.

20. You have enough clothes.

21. You have too many shoes.

22. I am in shape.  Round IS a shape!

23. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. 

I am just clearing some of this with my wife.

Marriage Guidance 101

I am forever indebted to Nunyaa and Auld Reekie Rants for the following valuable advice. I am coming up to my ten year anniversary second time around. Perhaps digesting this will allow me to get through the next ten years relatively unscathed and with the same woman.

WORDS WOMEN USE:

1. Fine:
this is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes:
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing:
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead:
This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5. Loud Sigh:
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That’s Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks:
A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome.

8. Whatever:
Is a women’s way of saying F**K YOU!

9. Don’t worry about it, I’ve got it:
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “what’s wrong”, for the woman’s response refer to # 3.

10. No:
This is the most complicated word a woman can use with a man. This is because she will say no, and mean no, or she will say no but mean yes. You will never get this right no matter what, so it is best not to try. Just remember, if she has salad and you have fries or pizza and you offer her some and and she says no, allow her to eat off of your plate without questioning her, or better yet, just give her half. This may also mean she is upset when she says she is not, and if you dare to ask “why” she will either respond with “nothing” — refer to # 3, or I’m “fine” — refer to # 1.

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = You're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = You better not

8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.

9. Do you want to go to the cinema? = I'd like to have sex with you.

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay


OK I am off to practice until my wife gets up. Was that yes or no with two sugars ma'am?