The Atlantics - Bombora

Saw these guys at the Adelaide Guitar Festival on the day Kevin 07 became King of the Hill. Very distinctive Aussie sound.

Australian Cultural Primer

This is very worthwhile reading if you are interested in Aussie Culture.

An Australian from Perth living in America. Read and digest this, take a few elocution lessons, watch Crocodile Dundee, get a fake tan, some thongs, a beer and a barbie and you could pass as an Aussie (Mate!).

Zorbaborigine the Greek

You are a Real Aussie Mate!

If you can make sense of this from Catherine Deveny, writing in the Age.

It's time for a real test that requires real Australian qualities.

You can shove your citizenship test up your poxy date. No one has the right to decide what being Australian is. I was born here and I have no idea. But I do know what it isn't, and what being Australian isn't is testing people on what they know about some white pen-pusher's idea of Australia. This is the country whose citizens pride themselves on not knowing the words to their own country's anthem.

If I wanted to be an Australian citizen and I was told that I had to pass a test first, I'd bugger off to New Zealand.

Who are we trying to keep out with this test? How will knowing the name of Australia's first prime minister or the date of Federation keep out terrorists, wankers or bludgers? The citizenship test questions are irrelevant and offensive. Here's my citizenship test and if you don't like it you can rack off and go back to your own country. You know what the most un-Australian thing in the world is? Migrants. And we don't want them coming here with their fancy food, classy culture, rich traditions and willingness to contribute.

LANGUAGE

1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term "died in the arse"?

2. What is a mole?

3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?

4. Explain the following passage: "In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."

CUSTOMS

1. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?

2. Complete the following sentences: a) "If the van's rockin' don't bother … b) You're going home in the back of a …

c) Fair suck of the …

3. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss

4. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?

5. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Keith and does he have a wife called Cheryl?

FOOD

1. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?

2. What are the ingredients in a rissole?

3. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.

4. Do you have an Aunty Myrna who is famous for her tuna mornay and other dishes involving a can of cream of celery soup?

5. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been nicked from a bath full of ice?

6. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?

7. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?

CULTURE

1. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?

2. Is it possible to "prang a car" while doing "circle work"?

3. Who would you like to crack on to?

4. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?

5. Is there someone you are only mates with because

they own a trailer or have a pool?

6. Would you love to have a beer with Duncan?

And after all that, the people to be granted citizenship are the ones who call it a crock and cheat.

Well I had to cheat for a few of those. Luckily I have an Aussie Wife and some Aussie Work Colleagues.

Things You Need to Know Before You Visit Australia

He’s got a few roos loose in the top paddock ….. (he's nuts)
May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down…. (aussie curse)
Flat out like a lizard drinking ….. (in a hurry)
Spittin’ chips ….(cranky, frustrated, irrittated)
Chucking a wobbly ….. (Ranting, tantrum)
Mad as a cut snake …… ( really nuts)
Cranky as a shearers cook ….. (cross)
He’s a six pack but he lacks the wrapping (for people who aren’t too smart)
When the Sahara freezes over and the camels come home with skates on (in other words NEVER!)
Flash as a rat with a gold tooth (for someone all dressed up)
The room’s not big enough to swing a cat ….(small spaces)
Nutty as a fruitcake or crazy as a wheel ….. (nuts)
Laughing like a fat spider up a Christmas tree (when something good happens to you)
He couldn’t fight his way out of a wet paper bag (weak, stupid, idiot)
So hungry I could eat the crutch out of a low flying duck (really hungry)
Queer as a three pound note (for anything suspect)
It’s about as useful as a waterproof teabag (useless)
Wouldn’t it rip the fork out of your nightie (when something shocking or unbelievable happens)
It fits like a stocking on a chook’s lip (means it fits very nicely)
Dry as the sole of an Arab’s sandshoe (drought)
full as a goog…(drunk)…goog is an egg
‘dog’s breakfast’ (A real mess)
’dry as a pom’s towel’ (When someone is very thirsty)
Chip off the old block (like father)
How much can a koala bear (stressed)
Got a face like a twisted mallee root (ugly)
About as much use as a hip pocket in a singlet (useless)
Behind like a cow’s tail (female bottom)
A sausage short of a BBQ (crazy)
Mutton done up as lamb (50+ women trying to look 16 years old)
Useful as an inflatable dartboard (useless, pointless)
Your bloods worth bottling.. ( good folk)
Two bob short of a quid… (crazy)
Cold enough to free the walls off a bark humpy (freezing)
The wind is so strong it’ll blow a dog off the chain (gales, very windy)
half your luck.…..when something good happens…. “congratulations” or “best wishes”.
As useless as tits on a bull….. (useless)
get your Arse into gear……..(someone is asking you to get moving)
Arse about face…(something is back to front)
Beating around the bush …..(not getting to the point on a subject )
Big note yourself ……(to say you are better or more important than you are )
Town Bike …..(woman of loose morals, sleeps around (everyone rides her)
Even Blind Freddy could see that …(what someone would say to you, if you are not understanding something that is obvious )
off to the Bog to leave an offering…(off to the toilet to leave a deposit)
As honest as John Howard (very very honest and trustworthy - NOT!)

All you need to know now is when to use them.

Thanks Little Aussie Cynic

Whose Australia? A view from Birmingham

Brought to you by the wonders of modern technology, some thoughts through a Guest Post from British Brummy Blogger Crushed By Ingsoc, always interesting and thoughtful and usually provocative and quirky

When I was a very small child, my view of the world bore no relation to reality.

England was somewhere in the middle, with Scotland and Ireland attached to it, everything else was overseas. I knew that countries were either ‘West’ or ‘East’ and to me Western ones were like us, Eastern ones were different.

Beyond a little stretch of sea were France, Holland, Spain and the other countries of western Europe. Somewhere beyond them were Russia and other strange countries, like Albania, Transylvania, Yugoslavia, Ruritania, etc.

Then beyond a bigger sea were America, Australia and Japan.

On the other side, to the East, lay China, India and Africa.

When I looked at a globe, years later, I was surprised to see where Australia really lay.

Because it is a little strange, when we think of it.

Many has been the time I have been channelling surfing and thought ‘This film looks all right. Looks like a British film as well.’It’s only been gradually that I’ve realised that these are Australian accents, not Cockney accents I’m hearing, and the city is Melbourne or Sydney, not London. The culture I see is even more like ours in the UK, then the US is even, and it still remains true that America always seems less like a foreign land than say, France.

Partly this is language, but also culture.

Even our slang is almost the same.

And yet geographically, you can’t get much further away.

Part of the reason why the British are such bad Europeans is that there are so many things which you can say about almost every continental country that bind them culturally, but are not true for the British Isles. The UK and Ireland stand out as a different culture with different values and outlooks. Australia and New Zealand, likewise do not fit culturally with their neighbours. We all know why this is, but it does raise issues.

Australia, like the Americas is a stolen continent in origin. Australia, like The USA, exists today, in the form it does, because of a series of actions we would condemn if they happened now.

But what can we do about it? None of this can be laid at the door of current Australians or current Americans, any more than the Europeans alive today can be held responsible for slavery. England is stolen too, long ago, by invading Saxons.

It is a pernicious tendency to judge the living for the actions of the dead. I think this is an issue which affects Australia’s psyche more than it does the US, because it’s foundation is so much more recent. Australia’s sense of being Australian is something that has really only flourished with the World Wars and it is still growing. But this battle of conscience seems to run deep.

The problem with following this guilt trip about Australia’s origins, is that if you follow it’s logic only the aboriginal inhabitants can really call themselves Australian, and most of it’s people are in reality Brits who live on the other side of the globe.

But that’s very damaging for Australia’s sense of identity. Too much soul searching can be a bad thing and Australia needs to move out from between the two extremes of feeling guilty how it was born and clinging to that origin.

Australia is about the people who make it up today and it doesn’t matter how they got there.

Australia has a lot to be proud of in the way it has taken it’s place on the world stage in it’s own right. Australia has assumed leadership in it’s part of the globe and has an important role to play in the future of the world.
And be doing that, by doing it more confidently every day, it shows the world what being Australian means.

Thanks Crushed.

Mate!

Aussie Lingua Franca 101

Essential Insights into the Aussie Vernacular. Maaaaate!

Berlitz for Wannabee Aussies. Learn to josh and abuse in the pub Aussie style.

Sad Sad Sports Sacks

It is a degree of loyalty which may never be put to the test, but Australian men have pledged their willingness to abstain from sex in return for their cricketers reclaiming the Ashes from England.

Confirming that there are few things in life more dear to Australians than sport, a survey found that 41 per cent would forgo for a month the pleasures of the bedroom in return for victory.

Thanks to Tim Worstall for this important piece of social commentary. Based upon the behaviour of my Australian colleagues, I think that this is probably true. Some would probably commit to a year in return for a clean sweep.

Come on Kevin!! Don't let it happen.

Aussie Citizenship Test on the way

If I decide to become a fully fledged Aussie some time in the future, I may have to take a Citizenship Test if El Presidente Howard has his way.

This is all red flag code for shoring up white Australian support and anti muslim sentiment running into the next election.

Australia is a highly successful multicultural society with more than 6 million migrants since World War II successfully integrating generations of migrants into the community. The citizenship requirements of two years' permanent residence, basic English and a public pledge to Australia and its laws and democracy seem to have worked well.

The test will be 30 multiple-choice questions drawn from up to 200 possible questions, with subjects including:

■Core civic values and responsibilities of citizenship.

Undying support for Aussie Sports Teams

Loving to beat the Poms at Cricket

The Right to Slip Slap Slop

The Right to play football with a Rugby Ball

The Right to own and use Vegemite

Making sure children wear a hat in the sun

Compulsory voting on Australian Idol

Defining mateship to a new Sudanese refugee.

Knowing the names of the Bananas in Pyjamas

■Australian settlement and reconciliation with indigenous Australians.

How the white man came to Australia, stole the native Australians land and never having to say that you are sorry.

■Australia's system of government, including the three elements of federal Parliament: the Queen and her representative, the Governor-General; the House of Representatives and the Senate.

Australias system of government united under one God the Liberal Party under the leadership of his Excellency John Howard.

■How laws are made and administered and the rights of citizens.

John Howard decrees and so it came to be.

The right to drink beer
The right to watch and play cricket, footy...
The right to own and operate a barbie
The right to wear thongs.....
The right to get skin cancer

I'm off to to the pub to start studying now.

My question is how many Australians would do well in this test and if they fail, are they tossed out?

No Worries Mate!

Perhaps they can learn from the British Experience.