Scottish Jokes

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My memory of Scottish humour is that it was mainly about making other races look stupid compared to the magnificent gene pool that is the Scottish race. These, more self deprecating examples are likely to be indecipherable to non Scots, but carry on anyway.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: ‘How much for the set of antlers?’
‘Two hundred quid,’ says the bloke behind the counter’
‘That’s affa dear,’ says the guy.
‘Aye yer right!’ replies the bloke

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He’s awa’ noo.

After announcing he’s getting married, a boy tells his pal he’ll be wearing the kilt.
‘And what’s the tartan?’ asks his mate.
‘Oh, she’ll be wearing a white dress,’

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq ?
Coo eight.

Mair o'er here.

And from the Montrose Music Man

What’s the difference between Alex Salmond and Shrek?

One’s a grumpy character who wanted to live in his own wee swampy country without any interference from his neighbours….and the other is a big green troll from a cartoon.

If it is in Private Eye, it must be true.

Scottish Cultural Lessons: Humour

Although these were compiled by Mike Smith of Auld Reekie Rants, I feel that they are sufficiently in the public domain that they are fair game to republish.

For those without a Scottish cultural background, I have to say sorry. Detailed explanations available in comments given sufficient groveling or large quantities of unmarked virtual bills.

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. 'Comfy?' asks the dentist. 'Govan,' she replies.

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?' 'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter. 'That's affa deer,' says the guy.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. 'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate. 'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,' he replies.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing. 'No,' argues the assistant, 'look at the label - it says Taiwan .'

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.' And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.'

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d.

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: 'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?' 'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says. 'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?' 'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - 'Aye right.'

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. 'What's up, Jimmy?' he asks. 'Piston broke,' he replies. 'Aye, same as masel...'

And there's mair humour whaur that cam fae.

Have an exquisite day darlings.

Thanks Mike (Even if you do support Hearts).

Glasgow Bomber

Failed bomber Singe Majeep complains that every hospital meal consists of haggis, tatties & neeps.

Staff have reminded him that he's in the Burns unit.

Al McQuada Smeats Its Match

More Al McQuada Bashing Humour


Those hapless Al-McQaeda boys were to find out that Glasgow has no respect for international terrorism. Nobody gets between 10,000 Weegies and a £99 week in Ibiza booked on Thursday night through Barrhead Travel.

If this had happened in a US airport, compared to Glasgow

Eyewitness accounts.

America: "Oh my God! There was a man on fire, he was running about, i just
ran for my life. I thought i was gonna die, he got so close to me"

Glasgow: "B**tard wis running aboot on fire, so a ran up n gave him a good
boot, then decked him"

America:" I just wanna get home, away from here. I just wanna get home, I
thought i was gonna die"

Glasgow:" here shug, am no leaving here till am oan a f*ckin' plane!"

America:" there was pandemonium, people were running in all directions, we
didn't know what was happening thought i was gonna die"


Glasgow:"F*ck this fir a kerry oan, moan we ll get a pint in"

America:" We thought he was gonna blow us all up he had a gas canister, and
was trying to get into his trunk, I thought we were gonna die, I just ran
for my life"

Glasgow:"a swaggered by the motor that wis on fire, and the dafty couldnae
even open his boot, he wis in fire annaw so a ran up n gave him a good boot
to the baws"


America: there was this huge explosion, it sounded like war, I thought i was
gonna die"

Glasgow:" There wis a bang, yi know when yi throw BO basher intae a fire it
wis like that"

America:" I'm too traumatized even to speak, I thought I was going to die"

Glasgow "here mate, gies 2 minutes till a phone ma auld dear, if am gonna be
oan the telly a want her tae tape it"

Finally, two quotes from an eye-witness.........John Smeaton (these are
real)

John just surpassed himself on the National ITV news. The interviewer asked
"What message do you have for the bombers" - he replied "This is Glasgow
we'll just set about you"

John did an interview on CNN and they asked how he restrained the guy and
he said "me and other folk were just tryin 2 get the boot in and some
other guy banjoed him" !

Moral of the Story, Don't Mess with Scots on their way to Tennerife or Malaga (or anywhere where the sun shines).