Scottish Jokes

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My memory of Scottish humour is that it was mainly about making other races look stupid compared to the magnificent gene pool that is the Scottish race. These, more self deprecating examples are likely to be indecipherable to non Scots, but carry on anyway.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: ‘How much for the set of antlers?’
‘Two hundred quid,’ says the bloke behind the counter’
‘That’s affa dear,’ says the guy.
‘Aye yer right!’ replies the bloke

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He’s awa’ noo.

After announcing he’s getting married, a boy tells his pal he’ll be wearing the kilt.
‘And what’s the tartan?’ asks his mate.
‘Oh, she’ll be wearing a white dress,’

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq ?
Coo eight.

Mair o'er here.

And from the Montrose Music Man

What’s the difference between Alex Salmond and Shrek?

One’s a grumpy character who wanted to live in his own wee swampy country without any interference from his neighbours….and the other is a big green troll from a cartoon.

If it is in Private Eye, it must be true.