Photo Hunt: Thirteen

Thirteen Blooming Sunflowers (plus one getting ready to bloom).

photohunt

Up Yer Kilt Hugh Cheape from Mel Gibson and Me

Apparently all those Braveheart images of uncouth semi naked highlanders dashing into battle with their bagpipes and kilts is just romantic imagination. Well blaw me doon.

But contrary to popular belief, the great Highland bagpipe never led the Scottish clans into battle against the English, nor did kilted pipers carry them around the castles of Highland chieftains, playing laments to the fallen.

In fact, says a new history by a leading authority on the much-loved — and loathed — instrument, the Highland bagpipe was invented less than 200 years ago, primarily for urban audiences. And what's more, it was largely created using money from wealthy Scottish emigres living in London.

In a new book, Hugh Cheape, a leading Gaelic historian and expert piper, argues that the origins of the instrument have been confused by decades of mythology and deliberate invention; even, he hints, by deception.

Like most tartan regalia and the modern kilt, the great Highland bagpipe and many of its traditions were manufactured by the Scottish middle classes in the early 1800s in their romantic quest to rediscover their forgotten past.

Leave us alone with our Mel Gibson inspired delusional views of Scottish History Mr Cheape (great name for a Scotsman). Next you will be claiming that they were invented and imported from Pakistan.

Pelican Takes Out F-111

Australia is in the process of decommissioning their fleet of F-111 Fighter Bombers. Yesterday a Pelican helped them on their way.

RIP Mr Pelican. What a way to go. Sucked into a jet engine.

All the things that designers plan for, but a pelican at 900 metres is probably not one of them. I wonder if they show up on radar.

World Record Mass Orgy in Japan

Only in Japan. An organised orgy with 500 participants. Available on DVD.

Prude Alert Warning. Naughty Picture
Feel Free to Look Away

I had to laugh. This looks more like what I hated about physical education in high school than the joy of sex.

Scottish Cultural Lessons: Humour

Although these were compiled by Mike Smith of Auld Reekie Rants, I feel that they are sufficiently in the public domain that they are fair game to republish.

For those without a Scottish cultural background, I have to say sorry. Detailed explanations available in comments given sufficient groveling or large quantities of unmarked virtual bills.

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. 'Comfy?' asks the dentist. 'Govan,' she replies.

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?' 'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter. 'That's affa deer,' says the guy.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. 'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate. 'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,' he replies.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing. 'No,' argues the assistant, 'look at the label - it says Taiwan .'

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.' And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.'

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d.

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: 'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?' 'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says. 'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?' 'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - 'Aye right.'

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. 'What's up, Jimmy?' he asks. 'Piston broke,' he replies. 'Aye, same as masel...'

And there's mair humour whaur that cam fae.

Have an exquisite day darlings.

Thanks Mike (Even if you do support Hearts).

Our Fish Have Names

Ryan and I were in our very nice neighbourhood pet shop yesterday and impulsively bought four more fish. We now have a family of Shibunkins, Comets, Fan Tails and Moors, including the two nameless ones that we already had. They are somewhat more real now that Ryan has given them names. So *roll drums* Introducing:

Silver Fish
Little Thing
Darth Vader
Billy
See Through
Gold Checkered

Welcome.

It is so great to spend time with the kids, during the holidays, but time alone with each of them is very special. Mum and Hannah have gone to visit Granny and so Ryan and I are just hanging out enjoying the sunny Autumn day.

While we were at it, he decided that he couldn't name the seven budgies today. Too many other things to do. So they will just remain "The Budgies"

Good Guys and Bad Guys

" The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts."

Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

Survivor Daddy

Meg posted this. I thought it was funny.

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of ‘pretend’ bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor’s appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment . He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care (weekend, evening, on a holiday or right when they’re about to leave for vacation). He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and every character on cartoons.

Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

Each man must adorn himself with jewellery, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed. The men must try to get through each day without snot, spit-up or barf on their clothing.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties. They must try to explain what a tampon is for when the 6-yr old boy finds it in the purse.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

He will need to read a book to the children each night without falling asleep, and then feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00. They must leave the home with no food on their face or clothes.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child’s birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor’s name. Also the child’s weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labour, each child’s favourite colour, middle name, favourite snack, favourite song, favourite drink, favourite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.

They must clean up after their sick children at 2:00 a.m. And then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are better.

They must have a loving, age appropriate reply to, ‘You’re not the boss of me’.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance.The last man wins only if…he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment’s notice.

I stayed at home with the kids for four years before they went to school, so I might do ok.

What? Nae Haggis?

Maw. When am gettin aw nostalgic ye'll ken what tae send.

Thanks Tartan Cross Parcels

Lizard Queen Snipes at Critics

Apparently it was all true in Bosnia. It is so hard to believe what you read in the press. They must have it in for her.

Thanks Norfolk Blogger

And in another shocking turnaround, Her Hillaryness has offered to negotiate in good faith with the Armani suited mean bitter and twisted one, to ensure that The Candidate of Destiny with the most experience in the White House, who can drink with the best of them..... the best candidate gets the nomination.

Whew. I thought it was just about to get really nasty there.

Update: Seems that they have agreed on a compromise.

*vomits quietly*

Thanks Simon

Australians Awake! Big Brother is Watching You

From Crikey's Daily Email.

This kind of stuff is very disturbing and more in tune with Bush's Department of Homeland Security than Australia, but apparently not. More amazing is that it is being spearheaded by Howardistas.

The government is proposing a dramatic extension of snooping powers of employers as part of an ongoing co-option of the private sector into the national security state framework.

In particular, the protection of "critical infrastructure" has allowed the development of a complex and highly-rewarding partnership between governments and the private sector.

The private sector, across areas such as transport, communications, IT and energy, is a willing participant in the process of establishing a system for monitoring and protecting their facilities and the public infrastructure they use, all in the name of preventing or effectively responding to terrorism.

After all, the process allows companies access to government funding for the maintenance and upgrading of monitoring and information-collection systems they would otherwise have to invest in themselves, enables – in the name of greater security – the development of new regulatory requirements that raise the barriers to entry for possible competitors, and transfers an element of operational risk to taxpayers.

In return, governments get compliant supporters of the absurdity of the national security state – the state that requires us to suspend our critical faculties and accept long screening queues at airports, security agents who abduct people and gaol sentences for making a joke about bombs in the wrong place.

The test for any of these national security proposals should always be what might be christened the Haneef Test: would you trust the clowns who bungled that investigation, either through malice or incompetence, with even greater powers than they already have? And in this case, even if you trusted the judgement of the Australian Federal Police or ASIO, would you trust employers with the power to monitor your communications?

Now I am realistic enough to know that our computer management people can log on and see what I am doing at any time. Good luck with those boring emails guys. That said, it appears very sinister from my cynical viewpoint. What are we really scared of here. Or is the Australian Government doing what George and his buddies did to scare the bejezus out of most Americans and ram through some of the most insidious civil rights violations on their citizens and citizens of many other countries. Ugly stuff.

And what does this mean in practice? Really stupid stuff like this as described by a Crikey commenter.

My Australian born niece lives and works in the UK and in 2007 married a UK national. They recently returned home and my niece thought it an opportune time to change her Australian passport to her married name. She was informed that this is not possible as Australia no longer recognises marriages contracted by its citizens outside of Australia for security reasons. When she offered to have a second marriage in Australia she was informed that would be illegal as she was already married. However, she could have an Australian passport if she changed her name by deed poll. She asked if she if she changed her name to Mickey Mouse by deed poll would she get a passport. Silence!

Hello Australia. Your civil rights are being dramatically eroded and it is not Philip the Ghoul Haddock who is running the show. It is your friendly Labor snoops. Don't let your friends or relatives become the next Dr Haneef.

I am a little Nomophobic

Photo from Chris Jordan Worth having a look at his stuff.

Last week I dropped my whiz bang company mobile phone into a small rock pool taking the dog for a walk at the beach at Brighton. Yes I know, we have all the UK town names here in South Australia. Other than the immediate disappointment at my bad luck when the phone decided to glow for a few minutes and then turn off, life went on for the rest of the evening.

I reverted to my older Nokia phone, which while not quite so fancy is simple and reliable and you can actually make and receive calls to people. Amazing concept for a mobile phone No extraneous stuff like cameras, MP3 players, blue tooth and the like, but we all have our hardships. It made me realise how much I would miss having a mobile phone and how grateful I was that I could just charge up the battery and swap the sim card and carry on..

While the always available world that we live in today is almost a requirement for work, it grates against my wish for privacy. Personally I am not much of a texter and most of my calls are actually to and from my wife, but it is nice to have a phone available all the time, given that I am the primary contact for the school. I often turn it off outside work hours and rarely answer in the evening.

I have lived in two countries with huge mobile phone addictions, Singapore and Australia and have certainly travelled to others (Have you seen a Philippino text?).
I can remember first coming to Australia in the late 1990s and noticing how prevelent they were. While I was in Singapore in the mid 1990s, the transition from the pager to the mobile phone was really taking off. I remember noticing pagers, with their distinctive sounds a lot when I first went there and hardly noticing them when I left in 2001. Mobile phones were everywhere, reasonably cheap and quite the novelty during that period. People used them all the time, with the Singapore specialty being talking loudly and taking calls in the middle of cinemas. Exasperating. Not as annoying as the infuriating ring tones that invade our lives today however.

Here in Australia, Telstra are moving everyone in country areas from the CDMA network onto Next G (whatever that means)and there is a great deal of cynicism about coverage in rural areas. There has been a wholesale change over in handsets for many people and real issues with whether the new technology will work outside the major centres. A hundred miles from nowhere is a good place to have a phone and coverage. As part of this plan many of the rural telephone boxes, icons of Australian rural life are being removed. Good luck if you need to make a call, regardless of the cost. Similar issues with the internet, where coverage is crap and expensive once you get out of the cities. The Rudd Government plan to fix both issues. Good luck.

This on the other hand is madness and indication of a life a little out of control, where your schedule and those of your friends is completely dictated by access to a mobile phone. OK I showed my age there.

A recent study has discovered that we are so dependent on our phones that when we find ourselves without them, discover that the battery has run out or are forced to switch them off, 53 per cent of us experience acute anxiety and stress - a “condition” so prevalent that it has even been given a name, nomophobia.

I am pretty sure I could do it, but it would be quite an adjustment. I am happy to carry on with my backup, but I would be stuck if that one gets run over by a bus.

Thanks Blognor Regis

Revealed! What I wear under my kilt

Jocko Underwear. Now you know. This guy looks like he has two or three haggises stuffed down there.

Thanks I love Bacon (I do too).

Wanna Be Surfer Dude

Christies Beach South Australia March 2008

Latest Australian Tourist Advert

I have been here for five years now and no bites yet.

Lara Bingle, where the bloody hell are you?

Thanks Absolutely True

Bloggers You Are All Appreciated Today

Pissed off? Burned Out? Uninspired? Exhausted? Blogged Out? Unappreciated? Uncommented? Nobody Reading Your Blog? All of the Above?

Fear Not! Today Darren has proclaimed to be Unofficial Blogger Appreciation Day

Allow me to say that I agree. You are all appreciated. Thanks to all the people who have commented, complimented, criticised, encouraged, laughed, enjoyed, provided feedback, linked to me, provided inspiration...

And now your reward. Something upbeat needed.

Bring it on Sir Cliff!



Now doesn't that feel better.

OK. Get back to the keyboards now.

Photo Hunt : Twisted

My mind may be twisted, but that is difficult to portray in a photograph.

Take my kids to the park on the other hand, it is easy to demonstrate that they are twisted.

photohunt

Working Class and Small Town America Not Barracking for Obama

Senator Top End of Town Obama has announced a new break through strategy to change the way he is viewed in small town and working class America.

At a recent fundraiser,

he explained his struggles appealing to working-class voters by saying they were frustrated with the loss of jobs under both Republican and Democratic administrations over the last decade, adding: "It's not surprising that they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment."

Obviously a battler image will endear me to Americans from the school of hard knocks said Senator Obama.

Meanwhile Former President for Life and his Wanna Be President for Life had no comment. We will reserve judgement on this one they said.

Sports Injury Earns a Dollar

Ryan started soccer football practice this week and his mate managed to hit him in the mouth with the ball when he was shooting for goal. He managed to dislodge his wobbly tooth and Ryan ended up swallowing it. He was sure it was stuck in his throat and was bummed when I told him as a joke that he wouldn't be able to prove to the tooth fairy that it had come out. I took this photograph instead and gave him a dollar.

Funny we were talking about getting hospital cover for just this sort of occurrence just this week. It would more than likely be for them rather than us. They are both entering a dangerous age for accidents.

Well If I Do Say So Myself

Colin Campbell --

[noun]: A master blogger

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

By comparison, James is a Dance Involving Little or No Clothing. Interesting.

Thanks, the Banshee Like Jams O'Donnell.

China is Getting Ready

Kiwi Pulse has more and the background to the campaign.

Warhol on Ice

Haven't done this for a while. Here are Ryan and I being Way Cool Man. Or should that be Chillin' Dude?

Thanks Nunyaa and Kate for reminding me and for the chance to join in.

Work Transition Ongoing

In consulting there are always peaks and valleys in work load. If the valleys go on too long, you lose your job. The key is to hang in their when things are a little quiet.

I got lucky today. Two of my colleagues decided to tidy up my work area. You should have seen it before, but it certainly didn't look like this. I wonder how long I can hold this together.

This is exactly what happened when my wife first moved into my apartment in Singapore. A big clean out.

Thanks Michelle and Jessica.

One of the photographs is my desk. The other is Jessicas, which looks like this all the time.

Star Wars Death Star Final Assault Ends in Court Fight

Two examples of nutty lawsuits. How much money does George Lucas need?

The lawyers working late that night were preparing to do battle with the opposing legal armies of George Lucas, the creator of the Star Wars films, over who owns the copyright on the stormtrooper uniforms, the headgear of the imperial fighter pilots and the helmet designed for Luke Skywalker as he led the final assault on the Death Star in the first film of the original trilogy.

Lucas’s business empire claims that it owns all the rights to the uniforms, while the lawyers at SimmonsCooperAndrew will argue that the rights are in fact vested in an obscure prop designer from Twickenham who made the first helmets and suits for the 1977 film.

And in Australia, Darrell Lea Chocolates have fended off Cadbury's in an attempt to get them to stop using purple in their marketing and wrapping materials.

The Federal Court has dismissed an application by Cadbury Schweppes that the use of purple by Darrell Lea amounted to misleading and deceptive conduct.

Justice Peter Heerey said he was not persuaded that Darrell Lea in using purple had passed off its business or products as those of Cadbury or had contravened the Trade Practices Act.

How can someone trademark the colour purple?

Google Related Fatwa Imminent

I noticed yesterday that I had a lot of google image hits for "sexy hijab" and found that I rank highest in google image search for that term. Scary stuff.

I will have to be careful that I am not fatwa'd.

Not Too Keen For Work Today

OK Maybe not too bad by comparison.

If You Can Read This It May Be Safe To Drive

Unfortunately some people will be too pissed to read it.

What Would You Do If You Had a Spare Million or Two or Three?

Doubt if I would buy a camel.

Yes, You Can Miss Your Own Funeral

As someone who is habitually late, this appealed to me.

I would prefer to be served medium rare

Created by OnePlusYou

Thanks katekatekatekate

Stockbrokers of the World Beware

I am not sure that there would be too much Arbitration and Mediation if this guy shows up at your office.

Melbourne underworld identity Mick Gatto has flown out of Australia on a mission to recoup ''millions'' lost by clients of failed stockbroker Opes Prime.

Speaking on 3AW this morning, Mr Gatto, whose private company Arbitrations & Mediations fixes ''sticky problems'' said he and two associates would go to Singapore and would be ''darting around all different countries'' in an attempt to recover the money.

''A couple of people have approached us and asked us whether we could assist them,'' Mr Gatto said.

I have recommended him to our Accounts Receivable Department for some of those tardy payers.

Gatto said the company provided a simple service where ''we go and see the client and we say... 'we really think that you should pay, and it's all done amicably and 9 times out of 10 it's settled and the client's happy and we're happy and of course the bloke who owes the money is happy to have that weight of his chest'.''

Better that than a bullet in the chest.

The meeting's location was changed twice yesterday by its nervous hosts. Mr Moghe, the sole shareholder and director of an Opes-linked company called Riqueza, had reportedly feared for his family over Mr Gatto's visit.

Mr Gatto said he was horrified that Mr Moghe would assume he might hurt his wife and children.

Mr Browne, who volunteered that he was extremely nervous about meeting Mr Gatto after looking him up on Wikipedia, said the collapse of the stockbroker had been "an unmitigated disaster" that ensured he and his colleagues would struggle to work in the field again.

Alls well that ends well.

We're All Republicans Now

President John McCain?

King Kevin Rudd?

Queensland Healths $100,000 Supersize Me Ambulance Service

Following up on Ian, Crapmeister in Chief's thoughts on Queensland Health who failed to come to aid of one of their employees, a remote health worker who had been raped, we see that there has been a change of heart when it comes to their customers.

Queensland Health was forced to charter a Hercules aircraft from the Defence Force because it had no ambulances or planes big enough to transport a 240kg patient.

Even though the woman was deemed well enough to travel by road from Mount Isa to Townsville the Queensland Ambulance Service had no vehicles capable of carrying her.

She was even too large to be safely carried in King Air light aircraft operated by the Royal Flying Doctor Service.

A Defence Force spokesman confirmed a C-130 Hercules was despatched from the RAAF base at Richmond, Sydney after a request from the Queensland government.

The cost to taxpayers was not disclosed but a Hercules aircraft costs about $13,000 an hour to operate, putting the total cost of the nine-hour operation at more than $100,000.

Woohoo! That's a lot of rates and GST.

Now why could they not have helped out their employee who had been raped?

No wonder health care is expensive.

Olympic Spirit Alive and Well

Tell it as it is Lord Sebastian

He said organisers of the French leg of the torch relay through Paris should "get rid of those guys" because the Chinese officials "tried to push me out of the way three times".

"They are horrible. They did not speak English ... I think they were thugs."

A spokeswoman for the London 2012 Olympics confirmed that Lord Coe, the 1980 and 1984 Olympic 1500m champion, had made the remarks.

Doesn't sound too diplomatic.

John Howard's New Career

Diplomat to Dictators

Thanks to the unrivalled Bill Leak, back after a break.

How Fast Can You Blog?

Scientists are working on the even faster internet.

The internet could soon be made obsolete. The scientists who pioneered it have now built a lightning-fast replacement capable of downloading entire feature films within seconds.

At speeds about 10,000 times faster than a typical broadband connection, “the grid” will be able to send the entire Tellytubbies Rolling Stones back catalogue from Britain to Japan in less than two seconds.

Perhaps it is so that bloggers can burn out faster.

They work long hours, often to exhaustion. Many are paid by the piece — not garments, but blog posts. This is the digital-era sweatshop. You may know it by a different name: home.

A growing work force of home-office laborers and entrepreneurs, armed with computers and smartphones and wired to the hilt, are toiling under great physical and emotional stress created by the around-the-clock Internet economy that demands a constant stream of news and comment.

Scary stuff. How much did you say it cost again? Sounds a bit more in the league of the Pentagon and the like than your average blogger or blog reader.

Twiggy No Thanks

Nunyaa raised the question a few weeks ago and James also asked for input.

Sixty thousand sex obsessesed males discerning readers of FHM have voted and the verdict suggests that men prefer women more full in size than women themselves perceive that men would like.

Professor Marika Tiggemann from Flinders University said that the results supported academic research on the topic. "We find women want to be thinner than what men find attractive," she said. "Men's idea of what is 'thin' is larger than that of women. Unfortunately, a lot of people think being thin demonstrates being in control or being disciplined, while being fat is a sign you're weak."

Plenty other opinions in the article. Me I have no comment. I am married and my wife reads my blog from time to time. My interest is purely academic. I also only read those kinds of magazines for the articles.

Can We Have the Gun Now Mr Heston?

Charlton Heston: Great Actor and Gun Nut