Officer I have a Wombat up my bum!

This reminds me of all the gay jokes about gerbils as sex aids, but a little more out there.

Police prosecutor Sergeant Chris Stringer told the court that on the afternoon of February 11 Cradock called the police communications centre, threatening to "smash the filth" if they arrived at his home that night.

When asked if he had an emergency, he replied "yes", Mr Stringer said.

On a second subsequent call to the communications centre, Cradock told police he was being raped by a wombat at his Motueka address, and sought their immediate help.

He called police again soon after, and gave his full name, saying he wanted to withdraw the complaint.

"I'll retract the rape complaint from the wombat, because he's pulled out," Cradock told the operator at the communications centre, who had no idea what he was talking about, Mr Stringer said.

"Apart from speaking Australian now, I'm pretty all right you know, I didn't hurt my bum at all," Cradock then told the operator.

I mean wombats are pretty big. Imagine the psychological trauma for Australians if they woke up and spoke like New Zealanders. The humiliation. You can only imagine. Yes I know it is too much to comprehend.

From One of those Respectable Newspapers (so it must be true).