An Address to the New Tay Bridge: William Topaz McGonagall

I had no idea that Topaz McGonagall had addressed the new Tay Bridge.
Here it is
BEAUTIFUL new railway bridge of the Silvery Tay,
With your strong brick piers and buttresses in so grand array,
And your thirteen central girders, which seem to my eye
Strong enough all windy storms to defy.
And as I gaze upon thee my heart feels gay,
Because thou are the greatest railway bridge of the present day,
And can be seen for miles away
From North, South, East or West of the Tay
On a beautiful and clear sunshiny day,
And ought to make the hearts of the "Mars" boys feel gay,
Because thine equal nowhere can be seen,
Only near by Dundee and the bonnie Magdalen Green.
Beautiful new railway bridge of the Silvery Tay,
With thy beautiful side-screens along your railway,
Which will be a great protection on a windy day,
So as the railway carriages won't be blown away,
And ought to cheer the hearts of the passengers night and day
As they are conveyed along thy beautiful railway,
And towering above the Silvery Tay,
Spanning the beautiful river shore to shore
Upwards of two miles and more,
Which is most beautiful to be seen
Near by Dundee and the bonnie Magdalen Green,
Thy structure to my eye seems strong and grand,
And the workmanship most skilfully planned;
And I hope the designers, Messrs Barlow and Arrol, will prosper for many a day
For erecting thee across the beautiful Tay.
And I think nobody need have the least dismay
To cross o'er thee by night or by day,
Because thy strength is visible to be seen
Near by Dundee and the bonnie Magdalen Green.
Beautiful new railway bridge of the Silvery Tay,
I wish you success for many a year and a day,
And I hope thousands of people will come from far away,
Both high and low without delay,
From the North, South, East and West,
Because as a railway bridge thou art the best;
Thou standest unequalled to be seen
Near by Dundee and bonnie Magdalen Green.
And for beauty thou art most lovely to be seen
As the train crosses o'er thee with her cloud of steam;
And you look well, painted the colour of marone,
And to find thy equal there is none,
Which, without fear of contradiction, I venture to say,
Because you are the longest railway bridge of the present day
That now crosses o'er a tidal river stream,
And the most handsome to be seen
Near by Dundee and the bonnie Magdalen Green.
The New Yorkers boast about their Brooklyn Bridge,
But in comparison to thee it seems like a midge,
Because thou spannest the Silvery Tay
A mile and more longer I venture to say;
Besides the railway carriages are pulled across by a rope,
Therefore Brooklyn Bridge cannot with thee cope;
And as you have been opened on the 20th day of June,
I hope Her Majesty Queen Victoria will visit thee very soon,
Because thou art worthy of a visit from Duke, Lord or Queen,
And strong and securely built, which is most worthy to be seen
Near by Dundee and the bonnie Magdalen Green.

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Posted via email from poobumwee's posterous

Moonchanting ala Topaz McGonagall

THE MOON
by William McGonagall

Beautiful Moon, with thy silvery light,
Thou seemest most charming to my sight;
As I gaze upon thee in the sky so high,
A tear of joy does moisten mine eye.

Beautiful Moon, with thy silvery light,
Thou cheerest the Esquimau in the night;
For thou lettest him see to harpoon the fish,
And with them he makes a dainty dish.

Beautiful Moon, with thy silvery light,
Thou cheerest the fox in the night,
And lettest him see to steal the grey goose away
Out of the farm-yard from a stack of hay.

Beautiful Moon, with thy silvery light,
Thou cheerest the farmer in the night,
and makes his heart beat high with delight
As he views his crops by the light in the night.

Beautiful Moon, with thy silvery light,
Thou cheerest the eagle in the night,
And lettest him see to devour his prey
And carry it to his nest away.

Beautiful Moon, with thy silvery light,
Thou cheerest the mariner in the night
As he paces the deck alone,
Thinking of his dear friends at home.

Beautiful Moon, with thy silvery light,
Thou cheerest the weary traveller in the night;
For thou lightest up the wayside around
To him when he is homeward bound.

Beautiful Moon, with thy silvery light,
Thou cheerest the lovers in the night
As they walk through the shady groves alone,
Making love to each other before they go home.

Beautiful Moon, with thy silvery light,
Thou cheerest the poacher in the night;
For thou lettest him see to set his snares
To catch the rabbit and the hares.

Whaur's Nessie?

LOCH NESS
by William McGonagall

Beautiful Loch Ness,
The truth to express,
Your landscapes are lovely and gay,
Along each side of your waters, to Fort Augustus all the way,
Your scenery is romantic...
With rocks and hills gigantic...
Enough to make one frantic,
As they view thy beautiful heathery hills,
And their clear crystal rills,
And the beautiful woodlands so green,
On a fine summer day...
From Inverneaa all the way...
Where the deer and the doe together doth play;
And the beautiful Falls of Foyers with its cystal spray,
As clear as the day,
Enchanting and gay,
To the traveller as he gazes thereon,
That he feels amazed with delight,
To see the water falling from such a height,
That his heed feels giddy with the scene,
As he views the Falls of Foyers and the woodlands so green,
That he exclaims in an ecstasy of delight -
Oh, beautiful Loch Ness!
I must sincerely confess,
That you are the most beautiful to behold,
With your lovely landscapes and water so cold.
And as he turns from the scene, he says with a sigh-
Oh, beautiful Loch Ness! I must bid you good-bye.

My Faithful Dog Mutley

Warning: No animals were hurt in the telling of this sad tale.


THE FAITHFUL DOG MUTLEY*
by William McGonagall

Little Mutley's master had to go on a long journey,
So Mutley followed her master, and ran cheerfully,
And often the master would speak kindly to the dog,
As along the road together they did jog.

Her master rode on a very beautiful steed,
And Mutley followed behind at slow speed,
And so they travelled on and on,
And the road was dusty, and they felt woe-begone.

The sun shone hot, and the horse was covered with sweat,
And poor Mutley was tired and began to fret,
And she felt so tired that no farther could she go,
So Mutley lay down and whined with her heart full of woe.

Then the master dismounted near a cool shady wood,
And tied his horse to a tree while in an angry mood;
Then he took from the saddle his heavy bags of gold,
And laid them beside Mutley, and to watch them she was told.

Then he drew his cloak about him, and lay down
With the saddle bags under his head, without a frown;
Then little Mutley close to her master did creep,
And in a short, time was fast asleep.

But she didn't sleep sound, because her master had her told,
Not to fall asleep, but to watch the bags of gold,
So she pricked up her ears in fear any one coming,
And around the bags of gold she kept running.

Her master was tired and slept right soundly,
But little Mutley began to feel rather weary,
And she thought her master was long enough in that place,
And at last she awakened her master by licking his face.

The dog knew it was time for her master to go,
And for fear of sleeping too long Mutley's heart was full of woe,
And she began to bark loud and strong,
Then her master jumped up, troubled because he'd slept so long.

Then he quickly mounted his beautiful steed,
And rode away at a very quick speed,
And calling Mutley! but Mutley paid no heed,
Which caused Mutley's master to feel angry indeed,

She ran after the horse and bit at his heels,
But poor Mutley's master indignant feels;
This she did several times, but her master paid no heed,
And he began to think Mutley was going mad indeed.

At last the dog sat down by the road side,
And looked sorrowfully after her master, as onward he did ride,
Then she ran after him, and him she overtook,
Just as he had stopped to water his horse in a brook.

And there she stood beside the brook, and barked so savagely,
That her master thought her really mad, she acted so strangely,
Then she ran down the road barking with all her might,
Until her master was now convinced Mutley wasn't right.

And taking out his pistol, he aimed at the dog,
And fired, and poor Mutley lay there as dead as a log;
Then with a sad heart he rode hastily away,
Spurring on his noble steed without delay.

But he hadn't ridden far, when he stopped as in dismay,
And searched for his bags of gold, but they were away,
And pondering in his mind as spell-bound he stood,
Had he dropped them, or left them behind in the wood.

Then he turned and rode back as fast as he could go,
And crying on his little, dog, with his heart full of woe,
And all along the road he still saw drops of blood,
Which brought tears into his eyes in a flood.

And oh! how guilty he felt as he galloped by the road side,
And found the bags of gold, and there lay beside
The faithful dog Mutley alas! quite dead,
And when he saw her he was terror-stricken with dread.

And taking the bags of gold with him he rode away,
lamenting the death of Mutley, who's life he'd taken that day,
Who was true to her trust in protecting her master's gold,
And an ill reward for doing to, be it told.

* Based on My Faithful Dog Fido by William McGonagall

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• World's worst poetry sold for $12,840

No

Kwality Scottish Historical Poem

AN EXCURSION STEAMER SUNK IN THE TAY
by William McGonagall

'Twas in the year of 1888, and on July the 14th day,
That an alarming accident occurred in the River Tay.
Which resulted in the sinking of the Tay Ferries' Steamer "Dundee,"
Which was a most painful and sickening sight to see.

The Steamer was engaged by the Independent Order of Rechabites,
And all were resolved to see some rural sights;
And the place they selected was the village of Newburgh;
While each heart was happy and free from sorrow.

And the weather was sunny, and really very fine,
And 900 souls had agreed to while away the time;
And they left the Craig Pier at half-past two o'clock,
Never thinking they would meet with an accidental shock.

And after passing underneath the Bridge of Tay,
Then they took the Channel on the south side without dismay;
And Captain Methven stood on the Steamer's bridge, I do declare,
And for the passengers he seemed to have very great care.

And all went well on board for some time,
And the silvery Tay shone beautiful in the sunshine;
And the passengers' hearts felt light and gay,
While they gazed on the bonnie banks of the silvery Tay.

To do justice to the passengers, they were a goodly band,
For their behaviour, 'tis said, was truly grand;
But to the eastward of Newburgh, the Steamer was too close inshore,
And on passing a boatman, he warningly to them did roar,-

Warning them not to come inshore so near,
But his warning voice the helmsman didn't hear;
Neither the Captain or passengers his warning dreads,
Until the Steamer struck a number of boulders, known as The Heads.

And close to the point where the Pow falls into the Tay,
Which the people that escaped drowning will remember for many a day,
Because many of the passengers were thrown off their balance;
But, most fortunately, they were all saved merely by chance.

And owing to the suddenness of the shock, many women fainted away,
Which filled the rest of the passengers' hearts with dismay;
But they soon regained their composure when close to the land,
Especially when they saw that succour was near at hand.

The engines were kept going at full speed,
And God helped His people in time of need;
And in a short time Newburgh was reached,
While many women wept bitterly, and loudly screeched.

Because by this time the forehold was nearly filled with water,
Which caused the passengers' teeth with fear to chatter;
Because the Steamer was settling down forward,
While to land the passengers safe Captain Methven struggled hard.

But before one-half of them had got ashore,
The women and children were in a state of uproar,
Because the forepart of the Steamer was submerged in the Tay,
Which filled the passengers' hearts with dismay.

But, thanks be to God! all the passengers were sent to Dundee
By the Steamers Renown, Forfarshire, Protector, and the Lass o' Gowrie,
Which certainly was a most beautiful sight to see,
When they landed 900 passengers safe on the pier at Dundee.

Then, good people, away to the mountains, glens, and lakes,
And drink of milk and pure water, and eat oaten cakes;
And sit down on the margin of a little burn in the sunshine,
And enjoy yourselves heartily during the holiday time.

Much much more on the life and times of Mr McGonagall available here.

This is my backyard from my yoof and some of the names and places made me all nostalgic. No idea if it is a real event, but Mr McGonagall has captured the essence of the moment in a way only he can.

William McGonagall - Response from the Saltire Society

Time for Statue Fundraising

Dear Mr Campbell,

You wrote to the Saltire Society recently taking us to task for opposing
the erection of a statue to William McGonagall.

This is not correct since we have made no comment on such a proposal. In
fact if the people of Dundee were to so honour this famous son of the city
we would not complain for a minute.

What we did object to was the inclusion of McGonagall in the Edinburgh
MAKARS COURT, Scotland's Poet's Corner, which was established to honour
Scotland's literary figures and clearly, as you would no doubt
acknowledge, Magonagal was not one of them. His verse is read and enjoyed
not because of its literary merit, its skilled use of rhyme, rhythm, metre
or imagery or the profound nature of his observations but because it is so
bad and he was the only person who did not see that it was bad! We are,
I'm afraid, laughing at him rather than with him. I have a copy of his
Poetic Gems here and none of the poems is comic verse. It is all very
serious stuff about disasters of various kinds. Yet we laugh from cover
to cover.

This has nothing to do with class or snobbery. Some of Scotland's most
brilliant works are from the pens of men and women from backgrounds quite
as humble as McGonagall. It is to do with poetic genius and whatever else
he was William was no genius. Enjoy his work by all means (I certainly do)
but don't let us elevate him into something that he wasn't no matter how
much he believed that he was.

Yours sincerely,


Ian Scott