Als' Inconvenient Truth

Some digging by a little known consumer group has determined that Al "Save the Planet" Gore uses about 20 times the average power use of the average US consumer in powering up this mansion. In addition, the trends are up.

Howard Back Flip on Global Warming

Faced with increased voter cynicism, John Howard gets serious on Global Warming.

My personal vote would be for a cork in his mouth and Alexander Downer and Mark Vaile.....

Dick Cheney's World Domination Tour

Fresh from shutting down Sydney for four days (who else gets the Sydney Harbour Bridge closed so that you can drive to lunch and then a cruise) Dicks secret plans and clever tricks didn't work out to plan. What a Dick.

Thanks Spine

Did Philip Fart?

Hell's Handmaiden dissects the relationship between the rise in terrorism related deaths and the invasion of Iraq. What a surprise. They are directly related, disproving Dubyas basic premise for the War against Terrorism.

Leaving aside Iraq and Afghanistan, there is still a 35 percent increase.

Haggisbashers Pastad in Rugby

The Light Blues smash the Dark Blues.

In the process the Italian Rugby team won their first away game in the Championship since they joined the tournament. Scottish sports teams are masters at this.

Double Entendres from the BBC

12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV & Radio.

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator -

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,

"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after getting a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:

They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his
shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:

"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

I always the one, reputedly from John Arlott, the famous cricket commentator

"The Batsman's Holding the bowlers Willey".

Promoting Safe Sex

Fresh from Corporate Presenters story on Public Transportation Themed Condoms, we have a new line of Safe Sex Underwear, complete with a Condom Stash, which were recently launched in Australia.

Apparently this lady could have used them. Her partner in their mile high jaunt, would have also been better prepared. He was on his way to India to promote safe sex and AIDS prevention. Nothing like practicing what you preach.

The other alternative is for a new line of Qantas Mile High Condoms, complete with the Flying Kangaroo logo. Available in all plane toilets.

12 Step Programme from Efailure

As a complete failure at being able to organise email at work, this is helpful.

1. Admit that e-mail is managing you. Let go of your need to check e-mail every ten minutes.
2. Commit to keeping your inbox empty.
3. Create files where you can put inbox material that needs to be acted on.
4. Make broad headings for your filing system so that you have to spend less time looking for filed material.
5. Deal immediately with any e-mail that can be handled in two minutes or less but create a file for mails that will take longer.
6. Set a target date to empty your in box. Don't spend more than an hour at a time doing it.
7. Turn off automatic send/receive.
8. Establish regular times to review your e-mail.
9. Involve others in conquering your addiction.
10. Reduce the amount of e-mail you receive.
11. Save time by using only one subject per e-mail; delete extra comments from forwarded e-mail, and make the subject line detailed.
12. Celebrate taking a new approach to e-mail.

I am not sure how you tackle 10, but the others I will need serious counselling on.

Spotty the Rabbit

Our dog, Spotty is sure he is whichever animals that we have to keep him company. Currently he is a rabbit. He has in previous lives been a chicken and a duck.

From an owners perspective, he doesn't run away when approached to be caught as I have experienced with our chickens and ducks and our rabbits, who I was chasing around the garden this morning at 6am. They decided to dig out overnight. Freedom. I got up and they were having a lovely time prancing around the garden feasting on whatever takes their fancy.

So in tribute to Spotty, the only moderately annoying dog. If I ever complain about him, I will think of this. Our cat was run over when very young, so I can't really comment on cats. It was still a kitten, which is an entirely different animal.

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:

8:00am Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30am A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40am Walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30am Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00pm Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00pm Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00pm Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00pm Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00pm Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00pm Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favourite thing!
11:00pm Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:

Day 683 of my captivity:

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and myself are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies."

I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.

I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded!
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move.

The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.......for now....

Saltires Countdown to the Cricket World Cup

With the Aussies on the ropes and the old guys getting injured, you need to be able to drive home the advantage with a motivating scary mascot. Instead of the heavy roller, you can call for the Highland Cow to make a few choice indentations in the pitch, when the Aussies have to bat. Who is going to say no to a rampaging hairy Scottish animal.

Non 'merican Patriot

Your 'Do You Want the Terrorists to Win' Score: 98%

You are a terrorist-loving, Bush-bashing, "blame America first"-crowd traitor. You are in league with evil-doers who hate our freedoms. By all counts you are a liberal, and as such cleary desire the terrorists to succeed and impose their harsh theocratic restrictions on us all. You are fit to be hung for treason! Luckily George Bush is tapping your internet connection and is now aware of your thought-crime. Have a nice day.... in Guantanamo!

Do You Want the Terrorists to Win?
Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

Thank you to the equally treasonous Back In 15

I lived in the US for over 10 years and got a degree and started my career there. Yesterday I talked to my best friend in University from the late 1980s. He tracked me down on Google after we had lost touch for over 5 years. We both graduated together. He gave the student speech and I wore my kilt. He still lives where he grew up in Annapolis, Maryland. He is a very down to earth guy, a little younger than me and very smart. Most of his life is spent providing for his 8 children. His wife was a good catholic and didn't believe in birth control, so after 8 they must have stopped having sex. He now runs a web programming business from home. When I knew him, he was a frothing in the mouth neo conservative and no shrinking violet in sharing his opinions. Now with the responsibilities of his family and his disillusionment with the current political environment, he didn't even want to talk politics. "I'm strictly family and business now". Perhaps he was worried about having his cell phone tapped. He did tell me one astonishing thing. He has never made an international phone call. Talk about an insular country.

Human Miracles

This little girl was born at 21 weeks and is now ready to go home after a few months in the hospital. Our friends in Singapore had twins born very prematurely. When they were born, you could hold one in each palm. I can remember the stress and worry the parents had to go through as each day's crisis and prognosis progressed. We used to go and pick the parents up and take them home alternately for a rest and the worry was often whether they would be there in the morning. They are now seven, but you would never know now anything about their dramatic early days, looking at them.

Our own kids were either a little early or a little late. Ryan was born two days after Hannah's second birthday, ten days late. Hannah's birthday party was very stressful for Elizabeth, worrying that she would have kids with the same birthday. As it is, it is two years and two days. What to do when you only have sex once a year.

Outcandescent Bulbs

After a good run of 125 years, incandescent bulbs are to be phased out in Australia over the next three years. Incandescent bulbs remain very inefficient, converting only about 5 per cent of the energy they produce into light.

Today's compact fluorescent lights last up to 6000 hours — or four to 10 times longer than incandescent bulbs — and use about 80 per cent less electricity. They are significantly more expensive, which is the rub.

According to the Government, phasing out incandescent globes over the next three years could save about 800,000 tonnes of carbon dioxide emissions a year by 2012 and as much as 4 million tonnes in 2015.

Hopefully we won't end up with old people going back to candles to avoid the large capital cost of converting fixtures. We just did three of our rooms, which worked out to be $50 per fixture, rather than $5.

Queen Mary 2 hits Sydney

This is one big ship. The largest to visit Sydney, and presumably Australia. Apparently not the biggest cruise ship, however, but the largest ocean liner. Apparently the largest ship, which services the American cruise market is not an ocean liner.

The QE2 will also be in Sydney this week. I have a vivid memory of watching the launching of the QE2 from our little Scottish classroom in the late 1960s on a fuzzy black and white television. Teaching stopped and we all watched the launch from John Browns Shipyard in Clydebank. Another great moment of Scottish History.

Watch Out For Shopping Monitors

Shopping is bad enough as it is. The thought of having supermarket employees critiquing your selection would be unbearable. Will they get self defence training as angry consumers bash them over the head with a baked bean can and a frozen pizza.

More details in theYou couldn't make this up if you tried department.

Just don't even think about it Coles and Woolworths.

Thanks Mr Englishman.

Quiet Day at the Office

One of the contestants in the Biggest Wave in Australia and New Zealand competition run every year. Apparently this guy was dumped on big time and was under water for longer than he would have liked. Not for me. I am more scared of losing body parts to hungry sharks. My kids have just started using boogy boards. Perhaps in their future.

Man Attacks Shark

Interesting twist on the usual story from just up the road in South Australia. I wonder how much he had had to drink.

Needed a Few Good (and Bad) Men

With fewer and fewer middle class Americans, willing to sign up to the good fight in the Middle East, the US Military, facing a recruiting shortfall, have relaxed their entry requirements. Potential recruits with criminal records, some serious, are being increasingly welcomed. The number of recruits with serious criminal records has doubled. I still have a vivid memory of the recruiting scene in Fahrenheit 9/11 as the recruiters try to encourage some lost causes to see the world (and shoot people). Next up recruiting in the prisons and tours of anti 'merican empires as a condition of parole or release. With plans to increase the US military by 100,000, they may have no option (other than the draft). You can just see middle class America loading up the trucks and heading to Canada if Bush and Cheney decide to do some adventuring next door to Iraq.

But Can He Walk and Chew Gum?

There are almost 1.5 million signatures and growing, against the British Governments proposed congestion charging proposals on the Downing Street Web Site.

Tim Ireland of Bloggerheads has an even more important petition established. Hopefully Tony will take this one more seriously than the other.