Ashes to Smashes (Dust to Dust)

With the loss of most of the Ashes squad to injury and poor form, it is hard to see England competing with Australia in the Ashes this year. Even harder to see them competing in the Champions Trophy, One Day Triangular Series and the World Cup. The only got completely thumped by Sri Lanka at home. Time for some radical changes? Roving reporter Tim de Lisle tells all.

My own suggestions include selecting Eddie the Eagle as an opener. His never say die attitude would enthuse the fans and one of his jumping skis as a straight bat would ensure that at least one wicket would not fall.






Next get Barry Bonds to change nationality and havethe rules change to allow pinch hitters. I mean Lords is the home of cricket. They should be able to get the rules changed. With Bonds in the line up, they will be able to regularly score 36 runs an over.


Next strategy, use the current World Cup Ball. All the bend and swerve will be guaranteed to bamboozle the opposition ala Murali and Warne. The England players could spend the rest of the summer practicing. They might hit it.





Still on the World Cup, we will arrange to use some of the current trigger happy referees as umpires. A little financial inducement and a red card could be shown after each ball (throwing the ball away) and diving (to make your ground), plus with all the other arbitrary penalties, the game could be over in the first ten overs. Also it would be good to engage Graham Poll as an Umpire when England are batting. None of the batsmen would ever be out.



Finally, given the range of debilitating injuries, permanent pinch runners should be adopted. These two are good candidates. Instead of running singles, they could run hundreds.




So other than these options or the Tanya Hardings boyfriend strategy, it is hard to see happy news coming Englands way.