Did Philip Fart?

Hell's Handmaiden dissects the relationship between the rise in terrorism related deaths and the invasion of Iraq. What a surprise. They are directly related, disproving Dubyas basic premise for the War against Terrorism.

Leaving aside Iraq and Afghanistan, there is still a 35 percent increase.

Haggisbashers Pastad in Rugby

The Light Blues smash the Dark Blues.

In the process the Italian Rugby team won their first away game in the Championship since they joined the tournament. Scottish sports teams are masters at this.

Double Entendres from the BBC

12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV & Radio.

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator -

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,

"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after getting a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:

They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his
shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:

"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

I always the one, reputedly from John Arlott, the famous cricket commentator

"The Batsman's Holding the bowlers Willey".

Promoting Safe Sex

Fresh from Corporate Presenters story on Public Transportation Themed Condoms, we have a new line of Safe Sex Underwear, complete with a Condom Stash, which were recently launched in Australia.

Apparently this lady could have used them. Her partner in their mile high jaunt, would have also been better prepared. He was on his way to India to promote safe sex and AIDS prevention. Nothing like practicing what you preach.

The other alternative is for a new line of Qantas Mile High Condoms, complete with the Flying Kangaroo logo. Available in all plane toilets.

12 Step Programme from Efailure

As a complete failure at being able to organise email at work, this is helpful.

1. Admit that e-mail is managing you. Let go of your need to check e-mail every ten minutes.
2. Commit to keeping your inbox empty.
3. Create files where you can put inbox material that needs to be acted on.
4. Make broad headings for your filing system so that you have to spend less time looking for filed material.
5. Deal immediately with any e-mail that can be handled in two minutes or less but create a file for mails that will take longer.
6. Set a target date to empty your in box. Don't spend more than an hour at a time doing it.
7. Turn off automatic send/receive.
8. Establish regular times to review your e-mail.
9. Involve others in conquering your addiction.
10. Reduce the amount of e-mail you receive.
11. Save time by using only one subject per e-mail; delete extra comments from forwarded e-mail, and make the subject line detailed.
12. Celebrate taking a new approach to e-mail.

I am not sure how you tackle 10, but the others I will need serious counselling on.

Spotty the Rabbit

Our dog, Spotty is sure he is whichever animals that we have to keep him company. Currently he is a rabbit. He has in previous lives been a chicken and a duck.

From an owners perspective, he doesn't run away when approached to be caught as I have experienced with our chickens and ducks and our rabbits, who I was chasing around the garden this morning at 6am. They decided to dig out overnight. Freedom. I got up and they were having a lovely time prancing around the garden feasting on whatever takes their fancy.

So in tribute to Spotty, the only moderately annoying dog. If I ever complain about him, I will think of this. Our cat was run over when very young, so I can't really comment on cats. It was still a kitten, which is an entirely different animal.

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:

8:00am Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30am A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40am Walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30am Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00pm Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00pm Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00pm Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00pm Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00pm Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00pm Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favourite thing!
11:00pm Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:

Day 683 of my captivity:

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and myself are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies."

I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.

I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded!
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move.

The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.......for now....

Saltires Countdown to the Cricket World Cup

With the Aussies on the ropes and the old guys getting injured, you need to be able to drive home the advantage with a motivating scary mascot. Instead of the heavy roller, you can call for the Highland Cow to make a few choice indentations in the pitch, when the Aussies have to bat. Who is going to say no to a rampaging hairy Scottish animal.

Non 'merican Patriot

Your 'Do You Want the Terrorists to Win' Score: 98%

You are a terrorist-loving, Bush-bashing, "blame America first"-crowd traitor. You are in league with evil-doers who hate our freedoms. By all counts you are a liberal, and as such cleary desire the terrorists to succeed and impose their harsh theocratic restrictions on us all. You are fit to be hung for treason! Luckily George Bush is tapping your internet connection and is now aware of your thought-crime. Have a nice day.... in Guantanamo!

Do You Want the Terrorists to Win?
Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

Thank you to the equally treasonous Back In 15

I lived in the US for over 10 years and got a degree and started my career there. Yesterday I talked to my best friend in University from the late 1980s. He tracked me down on Google after we had lost touch for over 5 years. We both graduated together. He gave the student speech and I wore my kilt. He still lives where he grew up in Annapolis, Maryland. He is a very down to earth guy, a little younger than me and very smart. Most of his life is spent providing for his 8 children. His wife was a good catholic and didn't believe in birth control, so after 8 they must have stopped having sex. He now runs a web programming business from home. When I knew him, he was a frothing in the mouth neo conservative and no shrinking violet in sharing his opinions. Now with the responsibilities of his family and his disillusionment with the current political environment, he didn't even want to talk politics. "I'm strictly family and business now". Perhaps he was worried about having his cell phone tapped. He did tell me one astonishing thing. He has never made an international phone call. Talk about an insular country.

Human Miracles

This little girl was born at 21 weeks and is now ready to go home after a few months in the hospital. Our friends in Singapore had twins born very prematurely. When they were born, you could hold one in each palm. I can remember the stress and worry the parents had to go through as each day's crisis and prognosis progressed. We used to go and pick the parents up and take them home alternately for a rest and the worry was often whether they would be there in the morning. They are now seven, but you would never know now anything about their dramatic early days, looking at them.

Our own kids were either a little early or a little late. Ryan was born two days after Hannah's second birthday, ten days late. Hannah's birthday party was very stressful for Elizabeth, worrying that she would have kids with the same birthday. As it is, it is two years and two days. What to do when you only have sex once a year.

Outcandescent Bulbs

After a good run of 125 years, incandescent bulbs are to be phased out in Australia over the next three years. Incandescent bulbs remain very inefficient, converting only about 5 per cent of the energy they produce into light.

Today's compact fluorescent lights last up to 6000 hours — or four to 10 times longer than incandescent bulbs — and use about 80 per cent less electricity. They are significantly more expensive, which is the rub.

According to the Government, phasing out incandescent globes over the next three years could save about 800,000 tonnes of carbon dioxide emissions a year by 2012 and as much as 4 million tonnes in 2015.

Hopefully we won't end up with old people going back to candles to avoid the large capital cost of converting fixtures. We just did three of our rooms, which worked out to be $50 per fixture, rather than $5.

Queen Mary 2 hits Sydney

This is one big ship. The largest to visit Sydney, and presumably Australia. Apparently not the biggest cruise ship, however, but the largest ocean liner. Apparently the largest ship, which services the American cruise market is not an ocean liner.

The QE2 will also be in Sydney this week. I have a vivid memory of watching the launching of the QE2 from our little Scottish classroom in the late 1960s on a fuzzy black and white television. Teaching stopped and we all watched the launch from John Browns Shipyard in Clydebank. Another great moment of Scottish History.

Watch Out For Shopping Monitors

Shopping is bad enough as it is. The thought of having supermarket employees critiquing your selection would be unbearable. Will they get self defence training as angry consumers bash them over the head with a baked bean can and a frozen pizza.

More details in theYou couldn't make this up if you tried department.

Just don't even think about it Coles and Woolworths.

Thanks Mr Englishman.

Quiet Day at the Office

One of the contestants in the Biggest Wave in Australia and New Zealand competition run every year. Apparently this guy was dumped on big time and was under water for longer than he would have liked. Not for me. I am more scared of losing body parts to hungry sharks. My kids have just started using boogy boards. Perhaps in their future.

Man Attacks Shark

Interesting twist on the usual story from just up the road in South Australia. I wonder how much he had had to drink.

Needed a Few Good (and Bad) Men

With fewer and fewer middle class Americans, willing to sign up to the good fight in the Middle East, the US Military, facing a recruiting shortfall, have relaxed their entry requirements. Potential recruits with criminal records, some serious, are being increasingly welcomed. The number of recruits with serious criminal records has doubled. I still have a vivid memory of the recruiting scene in Fahrenheit 9/11 as the recruiters try to encourage some lost causes to see the world (and shoot people). Next up recruiting in the prisons and tours of anti 'merican empires as a condition of parole or release. With plans to increase the US military by 100,000, they may have no option (other than the draft). You can just see middle class America loading up the trucks and heading to Canada if Bush and Cheney decide to do some adventuring next door to Iraq.

But Can He Walk and Chew Gum?

There are almost 1.5 million signatures and growing, against the British Governments proposed congestion charging proposals on the Downing Street Web Site.

Tim Ireland of Bloggerheads has an even more important petition established. Hopefully Tony will take this one more seriously than the other.

Saltires Countdown to the Cricket World Cup

First you need a band.

The difference between a boy and a man

One has one hand on his willy and a finger up his nose.
The other has....

Crude but true.

Tufty hits the Teen Years

Tufty and his friends are really naughty.

Thanks Mr Englishman

I am Manipulative and Power Hungry - Not!

You Are The Opposite of Machiavellian

You don't have a cynical, power hungry bone in your body. Honest and kind, you believe being a good person is the most important thing. While your upstanding morals should be admired, be careful! You're at risk for being manipulated and toyed with.

How Machiavellian Are You?

Thanks again Tom from The Last Ditch

I'm in the Thinority

A recent study on 1200 Adelaide men between 35 and 80 has determined that 80 percent are overweight or obese.

"Australian men are dying earlier - often with preventable underlying conditions - and suffer higher rates of physical and psychological disease than women", the expert leading the study said. The findings of this study are consistent with other studies across Australia.

"Together with the overall ageing population, this has serious implications for the community and economy."

Looks like a ticking time bomb for later life health spending in South Australia.

Preaching to the Unconverted

Tim Flannery preaches the oxymoronic clean coal message to the somewhat sceptical Australian Workers Union biannual conference.

He believes that there may be no market for clean coal in Australia, but that there is likely a very large overseas market.

I'm sure that there is a bit more too it than "Let's export our pollution".

His argument is that Australia does not possess the right geological conditions to support the clean coal process, which injects carbon dioxide emissions into the ground rather than releasing them into the atmosphere. In addition, be believes geothermal energy and renewable energy such as solar power have greater potential here in Australia.

Not sure this message will go down too well in Queensland, which has some of the largest brown coal deposits in the world and the power plants set up to use and abuse it.

Being a descendant of a coal miner and the victim of more than a few frustrating sessions lighting coal fires, I still have a hard time with the term clean coal.

Humphrey the Bear - Lost for words

Humphrey the Bear, a non speaking Adelaide icon and national treasure has risen from the dead. Yesterday on the radio there was intense speculation that he was going to be canned. They were doing a virtual last rights and interviewing many of the people who had been Humphrey and who had been involved with him, on the assumption that he would be no more. One of the people was Humphrey for six years and described the challenges of wearing a bear suit for 12 hours at a time.

The production agreement with the Adelaide based production company is that the episodes could only be screened three times and there was only three episodes left. Yesterday, Channel 9, who have screened Humphrey since 1965 agreed to some new episodes.

My kids met Humphrey unexpectedly one day in the lift at the Adelaide Central Market. We were just going to do some shopping and Humphrey and his assistant walked into the lift. Hannah, who was five at the time, was able to adjust and say hello, but Ryan was petrified, even although he had a Humphrey doll, which he took to bed with him.

Welcome Back Humphrey the Bear

Investing in Schools

We are getting to be in the minority in South Australia, sending our kids to public schools (that's the government funded ones here in Australia). We have a great local school with about 200 kids, great grounds and a great community feeling. Hannah still has most of her friends from kindy in her class. I am on the Governing Council, and one of the challenges for public schools is getting the investment money to upgrade computer systems. Our school was lucky recently and won a large grant from the Commonwealth Government to keep the schools computer system that the kids have access to, in the 20th Century. They really need an investment of about three times that to give all the kids access to adequate elearning opportunities. Although the money is welcome, it is just a band aid to keep the current system running.

Classroom budgets are also very miserly. We were asked to contribute boxes of tissues and glue sticks by the class teacher tonight. I think it is a bit sad that public schools are under resourced like that. It is testament to teachers that they soldier on in challenging conditions.

Time Passages

Time passes so fast as you get older. I was at our school acquaintance night tonight. Ryan has the same teacher that Hannah had two years ago and I listened to the same presentation again. It just seems like yesterday that I was in the room with a different group of parents keen to learn. Now I am a cynical oldie, used to all the school rules and the teachers foibles. Hannah has a very different teacher this year and her briefing was helpful, given that Hannah initially wrote her off as a mean disciplinarian who set too much hard work. Well good I say and now that I understand how she operates and what she expects, I will be able to help Hannah adjust.

Our One and Only Sunflower

Most years, we have many sunflowers. This year, only one. Must be global warming.

Give Your Blog a New Persona

Instantly

Yee Ha!

Thanks Empress Bee

Howard Barracks against O(s)bama

His Excellency King John the Neverending of Australia is now an expert on the US Presidential Election.

Apparently a vote for Obama is a vote for Al Quaeda, defying the obvious that a vote for Dubya and by inference Howard and Blair was the best thing Al Quaeda could have hoped for at the most recent respective elections for leaders of the Coalition of the Very Willing.

Matt Price dissects Howards increasingly nutty and delusional tone.

They must have been listening to Ring of Fire again

Dear Andrew

I hereby apologise for some of the nasty things I said about you and your cricket team this summer. Warranted though they were, it was heartwarming to see your success at the end of a difficult tour down under.

It makes my family pressured switch of allegiance somewhat more difficult.

Oh well it is the World Cup next and I will be supporting the Scottish Saltires.

Update from The Tin Drummer. "It was the weather that did it your Honour". As with the Ashes in 2005, the bad weather played a big part in the victory. It is just part of the English character, manifesting itself in the destiny of major sporting events. Personally I think it was probably listening to Johnny Cash again.

For those who care, Andrew Miller provides a more sober and reasoned evaluation.

Is this the one you chant before the Rugby?

My Haiku Deep young road home halts, Challenging new life teaches: Life forms bring goodness. Get Your Haiku

Thanks Onyx Stone

Australia The Lucky Country?

John Howards vision of Australia as the multicultural society of the 1950s, continues apace.

Thanks Flute

Thirty Years on, Punk is Mainstream

I can still remember my younger brothers despising tone when I bought Hotel California in the summer of 1977. He was completely immersed in the Sex Pistols and the like. He just could not understand why I would spend hard earned money on such rubbish music.

According to John Harris, punk is now completely mainstream. I actually like it more now than I did then.

Refreshing perhaps, but there is no taste.

Apparently recycled sewage has no taste and presumably no smell, making it difficult to swallow.

Perhaps it can be sold as No Mineral Water.

Australian EBaythe

City households would be able to buy and sell water over the internet under a radical savings and trading scheme proposed by two of Australia's leading economists.

Under a scheme currently being developed by a national water- broking company, both farmers and city residents will eventually be able to sell or donate water anywhere in Australia to improve rivers' and wetlands' environmental health.

Just log on and bid for a bath and extra watering for the garden. Interesting idea.

From the always informative Peter Martin

Well Blow Me Down

Not having looked at a Bible for over 30 years, it is amazing what all those years of religious indoctrination have done for me. I do remember being able to recite all the books in the New Testament and singing Onward Christian Soldiers gustily, aged 8.

I like it that my kids are not forced to make a choice here in Australia. Religion is definitely for comparative study only.

You know the Bible 59%!

Congratulations! You know a lot about the Bible - the books, the characters, the events. You are able to remember a lot of what you have heard and read!

Ultimate Bible Quiz
Create MySpace Quizzes

Saltires Come Good

With the Cricket World Cup just around the corner, time to look at the rankings. Since England are at the bottom of the top eight one day teams in the current rankings, that leaves only Bangladesh, Zimbabwe and Kenya between them and Scotland. Kenya and Scotland were top of the recently completed Division One Tournament in Kenya for the Associate Countries, the next tier behind the big guys. Another example of optimistic Scottish logic.

Cleaner Anxiety

Don't like mopping and dusting? Many Australians are getting some help, according to Alex May from the Age, who blogs at Renovation Nation

One in 25 Australian households employs a cleaner. Spending on "domestic services" doubled to $2.4 billion between June 2000 and June 2005, according to an analysis of Australian Bureau of Statistics figures by Commsec.

But is hiring someone else to clean up after you ethical?

Not sure whether ethical is the point. I am not too good at cleaning and we are both busy. When I stayed home with the kids, cleaning was not my favourite task. Now that we are both working, there is a bit more money and a lot less time.

We use a cleaner once a week and a lawnmower man once a fortnight. We also delegate all our clothes dry cleaning, shoe making, food supply services, children's education and car maintenance, amongst many other tasks and services, to others, because they are better at it, usually a lot cheaper than if we were to do it and we don't have the time.

There seems to be an element of guilt associated with this. I say bunk. Many people need an income and if this is what works for them, why not. It certainly works for us.

I know that my grandparents would be shocked at the thought of hiring somebody to clean your house, but having lived around the world, I can say that the people who have helped us out have been interesting and genuinely interested in the opportunity. It is a good way to spread wealth, wherever you are. Nothing like a clean house once a week.

Wanna Fight?

South Australian Premier, Mike Rann and John Howard have picked their seconds for the upcoming water stoush over control of the River Murray and the general lack of water. Karlene Maywald has been promoted to look after all South Australian water issues and to stick up for all South Australian wannabee lawn and garden irrigators against those nasty upstream bullying cotton and rice farming water guzzlers and their Liberal and National party backers.

In the right corner is Malcolm Turnbull, former investment banker, who wants to become Prime Minister and is building his career on national water and environment policy. On the other hand is a Nationals MP and part of the Rann Government, who has been tinkering with the River Murray and the impact of drought. Let the fight begin.

Hot Weather Careers

With all the hot weather around here, I am investigating some cooler locations to work. I could combine my circus skills and this cool environment for a few days.

Throw this man out

Whatever you do at an Australian Cricket match this summer, don't do this.

If you hear "You're nicked", try these.

I just love the Hockey Cockey
I was participating in the Seventh Inning Stretch
I was doing Salutation to the Sun
I was just celebrating a try
I was just waving to the rellies

Spoil sports. What is it with the Australian Nanny State Mentality. What a waste of police time.

Apparently the thinking is that if you do the wave, some unfortunate fellow spectator could get a litre of cold beer and a pie down their front.

At the moment, you are still permitted to do this in the comfort of your own home.

On to the next major frontline policing issue, probably dress code. No flip flops at cricket matches. Oh I forgot, that is already policy at the Members Section of Adelaide Oval.

It's Me

Your Personality Cluster is Introverted Thinking

You are: Objective, honest, and credible Intellectually curious, with many diverse interests More inclined toward ideas than people Fiercely independent and unapologetically unconventional

What's Your Personality Cluster?

So There! Thanks to The Last Ditch

I wont be applying to the Monastery

No big surprise here. Thanks Tom

You scored as atheism. You are... an atheist, though you probably already knew this. Also, you probably have several people praying daily for your soul. Instead of simply being "nonreligious," atheists strongly believe in the lack of existence of a higher being, or God. atheism 75% Paganism 54% agnosticism 54% Satanism 42% Islam 29% Buddhism 17% Judaism 13% Christianity 0% Hinduism 0% Which religion is the right one for you? (new version) created with QuizFarm.com

21 Things that make Australia Great

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Yes It Does No It Doesn't

Yesterday noteable HIV Aids Experts were testifying for the prosecution in a case in the South Australian Supreme Court to debunk some Perth based medical researchers, who had denied the existence of HIV/Aids and its ability to be spread by hetrosexual sex. All this in defence of man accused of spreading aids to three women. At the same time, Lachlan Murdoch and Ian Thorpe were in Papua New Guinea supporting a business initiative to address the rampant spread of HIV Aids there. Some experts predict that up to 30 percent of the future workforce of Papua New Guinea may be wiped out by HIV Aids. Interesting that science could be so far apart on such a matter. I mean there must be many people with political agendas to deny HIV/Aids, but I had no idea that there was any kind of scientific denial.

If You Go On the High Road..

Your Travel Profile:

You Are Extremely Well Traveled in the Midwestern United States (100%) You Are Extremely Well Traveled in the United Kingdom (100%) You Are Extremely Well Traveled in the Northeastern United States (86%) You Are Very Well Traveled in the Western United States (68%) You Are Very Well Traveled in Asia (67%) You Are Very Well Traveled in Australia (63%) You Are Well Traveled in Western Europe (43%) You Are Somewhat Well Traveled in the Southern United States (23%) You Are Mostly Untraveled in Canada (20%) You Are Mostly Untraveled in Eastern Europe (20%) You Are Mostly Untraveled in New Zealand (17%) You Are Mostly Untraveled in Southern Europe (7%) You Are Untraveled in Africa (0%) You Are Untraveled in Latin America (0%) You Are Untraveled in Scandinavia (0%) You Are Untraveled in the Middle East (0%)

How Well Traveled Are You?

Target Marketing?

Here in Australia, Funeral Homes tend to advertise at lawn bowls clubs.

Thanks Sparkle Pony