THE 'New Earth' has a temperate climate, liquid water and is probably teeming with unbearable arseholes, scientists have claimed.
Latest analysis from the Keppler space telescope suggests the planet is so similar to the Earth there is a strong chance it will support life that is noisy, selfish and woefully ill-informed.
Experts say that if Earth makes contact with the planet, which has been named Keppler 22-b instead of something brilliant like Galaxamax or Carlabruni, it would be like two salesmen meeting in a car park.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "There would be an immediate cock-measuring contest followed by a series of worthless boasts, each more pathetic and ridiculous than the last.
"We will try to subtly undermine each other with a display of mutual passive-aggression so weasely and childish that it will make the inventor of the Keppler space telescope want to throw himself in front of a crocodile.