Take shelter, run for the Tardis: we're being invaded. Aliens have arrived in the countryside, and they're eating our apples. First came the unstoppable Japanese knotweed. Then Squirrel Nutkin and his friends were driven northwards by the oversexed North American grey. Now prepare to meet a new threat to the ecosystem – glis glis, the fat or edible dormouse. Well, he may not look like much a of terror, with his bushy tail and sweet features. But since he escaped from the zoologist Lord Rothschild's estate at Tring, he has multiplied, gnawing trees, nibbling his way through orchards and generally making himself into, well, a pest. Fortunately, his very name suggests a solution. Eat him.
The same approach could be extended to other unwelcome arrivals. The sky over the Home Counties has turned green with parakeets. Wouldn't they taste something like pheasant? Muntjac, the runty looking deer with dark bags under its eyes, ought to marinate well. Mink are horrible animals; the animal rights nutters who "liberated" them from fur farms in the Sixties have done a terrible disservice to "dear, good old Ratty" and his friends on the river bank. I don't know anyone who has eaten a mink but I'd give it a go, if I could catch one. Zebra mussels cluster around drainage pipes in Fenland rivers: you might get a bad one. But the Chinese mitten crabs, which are gobbling up our native crayfish, could be served with a garnish of red swamp crayfish and intruders.