Thursday, February 07, 2008

Mental Hospital Phone Guide

Press 1 Repeatedly.

This made me laugh. Having dealt with the mental health system in the past, all of it is true. The main objective seems to be to categorize you and to provide you with some pills. Once you are categorised in their mind, everything will be fine. I also think that this applies to the bane of my life, the automated redirecting systems so favoured by our glorious multinationals nowadays. Likely they can be blamed for many of the referrals to mental hospitals in the first place. There is really nothing in life that makes me more mad than trying to work with a telephone computer. Hello Telstra, Optus, AGL....... Seems to me that the thinking in their systems goes something like this.

Hello moron, this is XYZ Corporation. If you were mad before, you will be much worse in a few minutes. Before we begin allow me to give you some indecipherable challenges. Say/Speak/Croak/Whisper why the fuck you are calling? Don't you know that we are busy and that our underpaid and overworked customer service personnel have absolutely no interest in talking to you or listening to your whingeing complaints. When you fail to penetrate our impenetrable customer service system, shout profanities down the phone. Now do you feel better? No I thought not Allow me to make you feel worse. Why were you calling again? You want to compliment us on our excellent service????.............

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital Telstra.

Please select from the following options menu:

* If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
* If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the MotherShip.
* If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
* If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
* If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
* If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
* If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
* If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
* If you are menopausal, put the guns down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.
If you are suicidal hang on the line (for a long while).

Now hang up NOW! before you go crazy.
Thanks Insight of Nothingness


Jayne said...

This is an old favourite of psych nurses and many of us were tempted to use on some of the calls we got LOL.

Jen at Semantically driven said...

And if you are yelling at your child while trying to talk to a machine they keep saying "I'm sorry we did not understand that, here are the options again", or somesuch. Aaarrgghhh!

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