My desk tells this story

Your Thinking is Abstract and Random

You are flexible, adaptable, and creative. There's many ways that you can learn - and you're up for any of them. You relate well to other people, and you do well working in groups. You can help people communicate together and work with each other's strengths. You don't work well with people who are competitive or adversarial. You prefer to work toward a common goal... not toward conflicting goals.

What Kind of Thinker Are You?

The lady who works next to me is exactly the opposite to me in the way she goes about projects. Orderly and neat and deadline orientated.

I am disorderly, random, chaotic and intermittently deadline orientated. I amaze myself that I am still in consulting given this fatal flaw, given that deadlines are pretty important. I am very good at envisaging and framing a project and getting it kicked off. Also usually pretty hopeless at getting it completed on time or on budget. The other thing I hate to deal with is conflict and adverserial environments are a major productivity barrier.

Now it all makes sense

You Inner Gender is Female

You're sensitive, caring, and willing to connect with anyone who's open to you. You make friends easily, and you enjoy all sorts of conversations. You understand most people you meet - better than they understand themselves. You're totally a woman... or at the very least, your soul is female.

What's Your Inner Gender?

Liz's Diamond Do Cancelled Amongst Economic Doom and Gloom

The Queen (God Bless her soul) has voted with her feet and called the state of the UK economy as it is.

The Queen has cancelled a party to mark her diamond wedding anniversary because she felt it would be "inappropriate" to hold a lavish celebration with the country on the brink of recession.

Guests at the party, which was due to be held at The Ritz this weekend, would have been served champagne from crystal-studded bottles and dined off tablecloths covered with sparkling jewels.

But with her subjects facing rising bills and falling house prices, and the banking system paralysed by the so-called "credit crunch", the Queen has decided that the celebration would be regarded as insensitive.

Her highlighting of the dire state of the economy will not be welcomed by the Prime Minister, who faces daily reminders from his advisers that the electorate has lost the "feel-good" factor – and is punishing him for it in the opinion polls.

Doesn't she look glamorous.

Thanks The Daily Mail

Max Mosely Likes Kinky Sex

It seems that that upper class Brits like kinky sex and fast cars.

Max Mosley, one of the most powerful men in world sport, was under pressure to resign as boss of Formula One’s governing body last night after he was exposed enjoying a Nazi-style orgy with five prostitutes.

Jewish groups condemned the behaviour of Mosley, 67, whose father, Sir Oswald, was the leader of the British Union of Fascists and a friend of Adolf Hitler.

Mr Mosley was caught on video by the News of the World with five women in an underground “torture chamber” in Chelsea, where he spent several hours allegedly indulging in sado-masochistic sex.

The Oxford-educated former barrister, who is president of the Fédération Internationale de l’Automobile (FIA), reenacted a concentration camp scene in which he played the role of both guard and inmate.

Speaking in German and brandishing a leather whip, he beat the women after allowing himself to be subjected to a humiliating inspection for lice and an interrogation in chains.

It seems that since it is from the highly respectable News of the World, run by one of Adelaide's favourite sons, no further comment is deemed necessary.

Very amusing. There is nothing quite like a British sex scandal.

Hamburger Helper II Marks Ten Years

Another generation of Hamburger Helper is helping to save (or ruin) marriages all over the world.

Impotence Australia's president, Brett McCann, says: "We can keep going on with researchers saying men shouldn't be so focused on their penis, but we just are — that's the bottom line."

Speaking of the real somewhat culinary stuff, which I have not seen for years, I wonder if it is served off the bone? I see from the article that it was in the top three for top food fads of the 1970s in America. Scots would have been proud to have been associated with such a dull food product.

Pfizer claims around 1.8 billion erections have been stimulated at around $10 a pop since the blue bomber was introduced. And that does not include the gazillions of Viagra knock offs that clog up our email spam inboxes. I wonder if you can spice up spam with Hamburger Helper?

Onward.

Catastrophic Cleanup Plans in China

China is culling thousands of pets in a quest to present a clean and green image for their sporting visitors later in the year.

Thousands of pet cats in Beijing are being abandoned by their owners and sent to die in secretive government pounds as China mounts an aggressive drive to clean up the capital in preparation for the Olympic Games.

Hundreds of cats a day are being rounded and crammed into cages so small they cannot even turn around.

Then they are trucked to what animal welfare groups describe as death camps on the edges of the city.

Live Blogging Earth Hour

Sydney where it all started. Before and after shots.

7.40 Lights Out

7.45 Lights Still Out

OK I am just joking. I think that would defeat the purpose and intent of Earth Hour.

That said, it is easy to be cynical about Earth Hour, but I am encouraged by the short conversation that I had with my kids, who thought it was a jolly good idea and could we do it every day.

Increasing awareness, especially amongst young people has to make sense, especially since they are the generation who will really have to deal with it.

Ten minutes to go in Adelaide and all the lights are still out. Sponge Bob and the Fridge are the major power movers. Cold beer and quiet kids are a small sacrifice in the quest for the greater good.

7.55 Lights Still Off......


Enjoy whatever you did or are going to do without your lights.

*Switches Computer Off*

10.14 Lights still out

* Family sleeps*

Seriously that was stressful, with candles and kids. I was burned badly when I was little and open flame and kids make me nervous.

OK Power Producers, you can crank it up again. Let the carbon emissions flow (tomorrow).

We will be able to claim about 12 hours and feel environmentally virtuous for a week.

South Australia Water Prognosis. Grimmer and Grimmmer

In a week when we finally get some rain, it is depressing to see this and read this.

234km upstream of its now mud- and sand-choked entrance to the Southern Ocean, the river flowed proud and strong. People would ski and fish in the lagoon at nearby Walker Flat, on one of the Murray's most picturesque reaches.

Today, the waterhole is virtually dry. Lifeless gum trees stand like sun-scorched toothpicks on its banks, where the water used to be waist-deep. "I walked out the other day with waders into a metre of mud," said David le Brun, who operates night tours for visitors to Big Bend.

"For the people on the river, who live on it, it is devastating."

Nothing new, just the grim reality.

Very like the Colorado River just as it enters Mexico. Everybody else gets their dibs. South Australia gets the dregs.

South Australia, the water gringos of Australia.

Officer I have a Wombat up my bum!

This reminds me of all the gay jokes about gerbils as sex aids, but a little more out there.

Police prosecutor Sergeant Chris Stringer told the court that on the afternoon of February 11 Cradock called the police communications centre, threatening to "smash the filth" if they arrived at his home that night.

When asked if he had an emergency, he replied "yes", Mr Stringer said.

On a second subsequent call to the communications centre, Cradock told police he was being raped by a wombat at his Motueka address, and sought their immediate help.

He called police again soon after, and gave his full name, saying he wanted to withdraw the complaint.

"I'll retract the rape complaint from the wombat, because he's pulled out," Cradock told the operator at the communications centre, who had no idea what he was talking about, Mr Stringer said.

"Apart from speaking Australian now, I'm pretty all right you know, I didn't hurt my bum at all," Cradock then told the operator.

I mean wombats are pretty big. Imagine the psychological trauma for Australians if they woke up and spoke like New Zealanders. The humiliation. You can only imagine. Yes I know it is too much to comprehend.

From One of those Respectable Newspapers (so it must be true).

Ta Ta Shane

Shane Warne has retired from First Class Cricket to pursue a life of gambling, smoking, celebrity cricket, drinking, galavanting, getting rich, commentating, whatever.

I have only seen him once up close and personal. He was walking down North Terrace in Adelaide mobile phone glued to his ear. I wonder if he texted his resignation to Hampshire.

Ths Shane Ta Ta CU in th bar

What a great competitor and good luck with whatever you do next.

Photo Hunt: High

Ever since she was very little Hannah has loved to swing high. "Higher Higher Higher Daddy!" What are dads for if not to push their kids on swings?

photohunt

No Thanks Martin

Martin Coopers vision of the sim card implanted at birth with everyone having their own telephone number for life has failed to live up to his vision for the future.

When Martin Cooper invented the mobile phone 35 years ago, he envisioned a world with people so wedded to wireless connections that they would walk around with devices embedded in their bodies.

Cooper said he was so enthused after his first mobile call that he liked to joke that phone numbers would become so important that "when you were born you would get a phone number and if you didn't answer it you would die."

"The idea is that the phone number becomes part of you," said Cooper, who is also waiting for the day when he merely thinks about calling a particular person and the phone will automatically dial the number.

Great vision Martin, but thank goodness this has not come to pass.

When he made that first phone call in 1973, there were no commercial models. Now there are 3 billion. If only he had got a dollar a phone in royalties for each one.

Where I do agree with him is that they are way too complicated to use. I am completely flummoxed way too often with my current phone. Cooper reckons a phone that is lighter than the manual is a stupid design. I agree.

But what a vision.

"It was a really risky thing to do," said Cooper. "People thought I was crazy thinking about a phone you can just put in your pocket."

One of our friends was telling us recently that some of the early adopters were doctors, who would come onto the ward with their stethescopes and their mobile somewhat portable phone, complete with suitcase to hold the battery and the trolley to pull it around.

And they can be very annoying.

This new generation of loud ring tones has got to be one of societies blights.

Can you hang on a minute. I need to get this call.......

And finally even Cubans can have them. There really is no limits to their appeal. Perhaps we can get some decent ringtones.

Must Have List for Rednecks

The memories of my my many years in America come flooding back. They certainly have them here in Australia, but they are just not quite as stereotypical as these.

Thanks Crikey

Quick and Easy Gordon Ramsey Recipe

Call Me Back When You Have Some Money

Dumb robber gives out mobile phone number to prospective robbery victims who didn't have any money.

Too bad the cops were called first and were waiting when he came to rob a second time.

About as dumb as this guy

Sometimes the truth is more unbelievable than fiction.

Abu the Maggot Mullah Crawls Out

Indonesia today announced a new anti tourist strategy recently with the appointment of Abu Bakar Bashir as Minister for Abusing Westerners.

In a talk given in October last year, Bashir urged his followers to “beat up” western tourists, whom he called “worms, snakes and maggots”, The Australian reported today.

Why Australians would holiday in that country is a little beyond me. If ever there was a worm snake or maggot, it is him.

Did You See It?

I wonder if this is just a low level peripheral vision issue.

Thanks somebody.

Hypnoheister on the loose in Italy.

A hypnotising thief is making off with large amounts of dough by hypnotising shop clerks and bank tellers and raiding the till. Either this is a massive con or this guy is pretty clever.

Police in Italy have issued footage of a man who is suspected of hypnotising supermarket checkout staff to hand over money from their cash registers.

In every case, the last thing staff reportedly remember is the thief leaning over and saying: “Look into my eyes”, before finding the till empty.

Now nice reader, follow this watch and click on all my advertising widgets and come back tomorrow and the next day and do the same........

Thanks BogBrush

Origins of Sex in Outback South Australia

Apparently it all began in the Flinders Ranges about 570 million years ago.

Scientists believe they have discovered the earliest evidence of animal sex, between 30cm- long knobby tubular animals which lived on the then sea floor in the Ediacaran Hills within the Flinders Ranges.

Beating the previous record by 30 million years, the earliest known animals to have sex are now Funisia Dorothea, their exploits revealed this week in the international magazine Science.

Funisia Dorothea covered the seafloor of the region during the Neoproterozoic era, a 100-million-year period ending around 540 million years ago.

So sex evolved from nobby tubular animals on the sea bed to involving nobby tubular appendages on the bed. And that took over 500 million years. I wonder where it will go next?

The Former Mrs McCartney Goes Shopping

Heather Mills, the Imelda Marcos of the artificial limb gets going on spending her fortune.

Thanks Mr Eugenides who has some great jokes in the comments.

My biggest regret is that we can no longer tell the joke about Macca buying her a plane for Christmas, and a Ladyshave for the other leg.

Mrs. Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped"

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will need all the support she can get. It's not like it's easy to walk out on a relationship like this"

After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called her Heather.

What's the difference between Heather Mills and Northern Rock?
One has got 25 million quid, is a bit wobbly and fucks old people with lots of savings.
The other ones a building society.

I don't know why Heather Mills campaigns against landmines.
After all, she's only half as much at risk from them.

Following her divorce settlement, Heather Mills has announced she will be resuming her charity world tour.
She's going back to Peking.
Paul McCartney, meanwhile, has announced that he's going back to Wanking.

Enough enough I hear you say. I am sure that she is a nice lady and in fact plans to spend all the money on her charitable plans to emulate the late Princess Diana in the publics mind. And so it shall be. No further comment on this issue will be entertained on this blog.

Seems it wasn't the Milkman

MyHeritage: Look-alike Meter - Genelogy - Family history

Ian Grey put me on to this. You can also do a vanity test and compare yourself to celebrities. One of mine was Arnold Schwarzenegger. You can autopost from their website to Blogger and I assumed that when it didn't work, that it was just a flaw. Turns out that I posted them to James's site where I have posting rights. It is the first one on the dashboard. I will remember that next time. Anyway thanks for the hospitality James.

Our kids were definitely keen to arrive. Elizabeth only had to mention that maybe it was time to think about have children. We were in Singapore working and I was only just extricating myself from another marriage. I took her hormonal urge to mean that maybe at some point we would have children. Little did I know the power of that female instinct. It was probably about a month later that Elizabeth did a pregnancy test in my office bathroom, which gave an indication that Hannah would be coming into our life.

Ryan was another story. We had decided to wait another year when Hannah was one and Elizabeth was in Australia for six weeks. I was there for a week for part of the time and despite Elizabeth being sure that it was safe, it wasn't.

Anyway we are glad it all worked out. Our kids are so much part of our life now, it is hard to envisage one without them.

Hannah asked us last night if we thought we were lucky to have her and Ryan. I think that we are, but they are just as lucky to have us.

Top Sheep Shearers on Health Kick

The image of one of Australias toughest jobs is changing.

He occasionally wears a blue singlet and does one of the hardest jobs in the country, but the 32-year-old father of four has little else in common with the roistering, booze-swilling, bare-knuckle brawlers of outback legend such as Jack Foley, the shearer played by Jack Thompson in Sunday Too Far Away.

Mr Ferguson, who has spent the past two weeks shearing at Habnarey station, near Lightning Ridge in northern NSW, belongs to a new breed of Australian shearers who are well-paid, professional in their attitude and more interested in keeping fit than tying one on every Friday and Saturday night.

"The old generations have given the young generation a bad name in a way, because a lot of people think shearers are nothin' but alcoholics," the third-generation shearer from Surat in southern Queensland tells The Australian.

Watching these guys at the country shows, I am full of admiration. Tough hot work.

Photo Hunt: Metal

This is our new fence that we had installed recently. All metal.

photohunt

We've all had moments like this

Perhaps not in such a public spotlight. May the ground swallow me up now.

The look on the guys face is priceless. Public Humiliation Tour de Farce.

Thanks Cellobella

What do your eyes say

Your eyes are the windows to your soul. What type of eyes do you have?

CLOSED EYES You have Closed Eyes! Positive Traits: Intelligent, Creative, Imaginative, Loyal, Honourable Negative Traits: Depressed, Withdrawn, Pessimistic, Fatalistic, Avoidant Take this quiz! Quizilla |

I have tried iridology and my major traits are that I have a very robust constitution, which is true. I am very rarely sick. I am not sure it would pick up pyschological traits. I think that this result is fair.

When I was in Primary School, I can remember this from bullying classmates.

"Blue Eyes True Eyes Green Eyes Tell Lies"

I have green eyes. Kids can be so cruel.

Thanks JMB Hope your cruise is going well.

This makes the Toyota Advert look pretty slick

Not having lived in a high rise, I cannot really comment on the likelihood of this working on a regular basis.

Thanks Guthrum the Old and Ian Grey the not so Old

Massive U Turn by China after International Pressure

Beijing has given in to international pressure and promised to change it's ways. While it is resolute on the Tibet issue, some jumped up athletic prima donnas have forced a major cultural change in the way pooping will be conducted during the Olympics.

If you are stuck with the squat toilet, here is how you go about it.

Approach the squat toilet apprehensively and make sure it's not covered in stool. If it is covered in stool, choose another stall. If another stall is not available, accept the cards that have been dealt you. This is a good time to come up with a title for your experience such as My Great B.M. Adventure or Disgusticon One.

Close the door to the stall, knowing full well the handle has more germs on it than the entire population of Botswana.

Place your feet on the appropriate foot grids, assuming they are not covered in stool. If they are covered in stool, place your feet on the least fouled space you can find, being careful to maintain balance.

Unfasten and drop your trousers and underpants, making sure that they do not make contact with the urine and stool covered surface area.

Grimace and ask yourself if a country with such a toilet can or should ever be a superpower.

This is only part of it and yes I know that this is way too much information, but based on my own experience, this is pretty close to the mark. And as for those 8 foot 10 basketballers, I can feel your pain as you squat and can understand why you would want the change.

Now all you have to do is to use some of this persuasive stuff and take up the Tibet issue.

Happy Easter Week

Happy Easter from The Easter Bunny

and from Mrs Easter Bunny

and from the cutie Easter Bunnies

and from Ben and Daisy the real Easter Bunnies

and from before Easter Lunch

and after Easter Lunch

and from Ryan and his class mates

and Hannah and her classmates

Last night I was doing some shopping along with the masses at a Woolworths supermarket that I have not quite mastered in terms of its layout. Why are they all slightly different. I had found everything (well almost everything) and needed eggs, which despite having a prominantly labelled aisle, which I had failed to spot were all but invisible. I asked the checkout chick, who was bound to know and was quickly pointed over to the specials corner where hordes of shopping baskets were being filled with chocolate chickens and eggs to spread the joy. We both laughed when she realised that I was looking for the real thing. Even then she was not sure. I am sure Supermarkets lay things out this way to make you explore all aisles (and buy lots of unnecessary stuff).

I used to work in night fill and it was amazing to me how many products I didn't buy (and would never buy). Doing that kind of work, you were forced to discover the location of some very unnecessary and some borderline inedible products.


While on the Easter theme, I was looking for images for an Easter Bunny gag at work and came across this one. Very confronting image from 1942 in Hawaii, where even little kids had to have a gas mask. It certainly wouldn't want to make me want the Easter Bunny to come.

The Easter season in Hawaii coincides the year with the manufacture of "bunny" masks designed to provide gas protection for infants. The hoods are being made here by agencies working in cooperation with the office of civilian defense under the supervision of the department of chemical warfare.

Makes me feel lucky to live where and when we do. Humans have a great strength in dealing with adversity, but I prefer what I have.

On a more up beat note, Elizabeth bought a bunch of small Easter eggs and we left work early and the kids gave them out to their classmates. A very fun and rewarding end to a harrassing week of employment. I finally got to be the Easter Bunny after all. Now for four days of not too much. We will have our traditional easter egg hunt for the first time in our new house. Elizabeth has been doing that since the kids were little. Even although they are older, the lure of chocolate is very strong.

Many South Australians take to the road for this holiday to be with family. It is always considered quite a dangerous time because of some of the long distances that are travelled. One of the things that they do here during long weekends is driver reviver centres, where small communities on the road to wherever (there is a lot of that here in South Australia) host places where tired drivers can stop to take a break. I like that kind of community minded thinking that is very visible here. For me, packing the kids into the car after a long week at work and driving a long distance, I couldn't think of anything worse. We are staying home mostly. That is my kind of holiday at this stage in my life.

Happy Easter everyone, whatever you are doing.

Who Thought Blending Phones was Tricky

For all those of you who are frustrated with trying to make a Hollondaise Sauce, try this. It is the AK47 of blending tools.

There are many more and don't try this at home.

Delusions of Grandeur

Why Nauru is like Bear Stearns.

Nauruans were high on the hog on a mix of Bird Poo and Coral until they dug it all up and spent the money on frivolous things. And then along came Kevin Rudd and shut down their last cash cow, the immmigration detention centre with about two refugees and two hundred employees. Cash cow to beat all cash cows.

Nauruans realise that the party is well and truly over.

Now comes the hangover and then, with luck, some sort of recovery. But it will take squeaky clean governance, hard work and rock-solid investments for Pleasant Island to once again live up to its name.

It may not yet be paradise lost, but it is most definitely paradise postponed.

And delusional Bear Stearns employees, who believed that everything would always go up in value lost that bet when their customers smelled the roses.

The deal values Bear Stearns, which has been at the centre of the US mortgage debt crisis, at just $236m (£116m).

Its shares have lost 98% of their value since their high of $158 in April one year ago, when the bank was worth $18bn.

Sometimes life is just not as rosy as we would like to think it should be.

O'Bama Courts Irish Vote on St Patricks Day

Today is St Patricks Day here in Australia. I understand that it was moved to last Saturday in other parts of the world so as to not clash with holy Monday and offend Catholics. Australians don't really make a big deal about St Patricks Day unlike the totally over the top stuff I witnessed in America.

Thanks Mr Eugenides

Are You a Little Mad?

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Smuggling Diamonds'

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.'

8. Don t use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'

12. Sing Along At The Opera

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance , Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!, I Won!'

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!'

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity is to keep thinking like you think.


I have tried a few of these and am still married and hold down a job. Must try wierder things.

Thanks Theo

Saturday Sing Along

I decided to start a new series of Happy Sing Along Songs to brighten up your day. I loved this one when I was little.

You can blame schoolspirit for this and you can rest easy. I am unlikely to be doing this regularly.

Photo Hunt: I Spy

I spy with my little eye a bike, a basket, some tassles, a bike helmet, two valves, a white t shirt, a pedal, two white tires, lots of spokes, one shoe, some strong muscles, a smile and Hannah.

I created an ISpy Blog for Ryan about a year ago. This is one of the posts.

photohunt

Obama Trading on Legacies from the 1960s

Inspiring Black Man 1963

Inspiring White Man 1961

Lucky Black Man 2008?