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Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Scotland to Raise Bar on Mathematics Testing

SCOTTISH MODERN MATHEMATICS PAPER 2007
DRAFT HIGHER GRADE MODERN MATHEMATICS PAPER 2007
HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL

GLASGOW REGION

Name..................Nickname.........................Gangname........................

1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine to sell. He wants to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection money. How much must he charge for a gram?

2. Wee Davie reckons he'll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if he ties the knot with Fat Alice. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding will cost him £587. And he'll have to start buying two fish suppers at £3.95 each every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie wishes he'd stayed single?

3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10minutes when they're winning and every 15 minutes when they're losing.How many times did they sing it at last season's Cup Final?

4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000on the clock - and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres?

5. Jake the Flake and Fingers got grassed up for dealing speed.The Flake got 18 months but Fingers got 3 years. How many more previous convictions did Fingers have?

EXTRA CREDIT: Who was Fingers' Brief?

EDINBURGH / BORDERS REGION

Name...................Rugby Club.........................Daddy's Company.........................

1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival Fringe. But Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before giving them the tickets?

2. Half of Peter's friends say that they went to school with Ewan McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown's flat mate at University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair's dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is telling the truth, so how many friends does Peter have?

3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as EdinburghCastle. His daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the Lord Advocate?

4. Tamsin's Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has sexwith her whenever she wants it. Jasmin's Life Coach charges £50 a weekbut has refused all sexual advances. Which one of the women weighs 19 stone?

5. Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there issomeone begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long will it take if you tell them all to sod off and work for a living?

HIGHLANDS REGION

Name................Glen.......................Clan .......................

1. After Hector's death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle. With 25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 for the first 15,000acres and 90p per acre for the remainder, including VAT. How How many people actually give a toss?

2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks aTartan Shop in Inverness if he has any Scottish Geneaology. How long does it take to flog him full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10 kids?

3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end to end, how many people would be surprised?

4. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed 27lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and pictures?

Sorry, question 5 has been delayed by heavy snowfall and will be here as soon as the Cockbridge - Tomintoul road re-opens in the spring!

6 comments:

James Higham said...

Has to be one of your best ever.

Liz Hinds said...

Very good!

I thought it was only the Welsh and sheep ...

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Love it! Won't try it as can't do maths!

The Periodic Englishman said...

Hmm. Like it. I have some personal experience of the mathematical dilemma posed in Question 5 of the Edinburgh/Borders Region "paper", as it happens. Abuse dished out to Homeless Tramp Scrounge Machines certainly eats into the preferred 3.1 miles an hour average and, depending on one's level of relish for such attacks, can sometimes bring the shouter to a complete standstill, in fact.

The answer to this most searching teaser, however, is and remains: way too long but these people need telling.

Now that I've just made myself look grotesque, I feel I ought to perhaps finish the job. I am an Aberdeen supporter, Mr Campbell, and see no reason whatsoever to take offence at the sheep-shagging reference. If you supported Aberdeen you would be looking for your entertainment elsewhere, too. I'm just saying.

Yours, sheepishly and in disgrace,

TPE

(please tell me future readers will know that I'm joking)

Jeremy Jacobs said...

Excellent post Colin.

Colin Campbell said...

I have to give some credit to my brother for that one. Classic.