Sunday, April 27, 2008

Marriage Guidance 101

I am forever indebted to Nunyaa and Auld Reekie Rants for the following valuable advice. I am coming up to my ten year anniversary second time around. Perhaps digesting this will allow me to get through the next ten years relatively unscathed and with the same woman.


1. Fine:
this is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes:
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing:
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead:
This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5. Loud Sigh:
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That’s Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks:
A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome.

8. Whatever:
Is a women’s way of saying F**K YOU!

9. Don’t worry about it, I’ve got it:
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “what’s wrong”, for the woman’s response refer to # 3.

10. No:
This is the most complicated word a woman can use with a man. This is because she will say no, and mean no, or she will say no but mean yes. You will never get this right no matter what, so it is best not to try. Just remember, if she has salad and you have fries or pizza and you offer her some and and she says no, allow her to eat off of your plate without questioning her, or better yet, just give her half. This may also mean she is upset when she says she is not, and if you dare to ask “why” she will either respond with “nothing” — refer to # 3, or I’m “fine” — refer to # 1.


1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = You're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = You better not

8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?


1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.

9. Do you want to go to the cinema? = I'd like to have sex with you.

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

OK I am off to practice until my wife gets up. Was that yes or no with two sugars ma'am?


JayBee said...

Thanks for the lesson but it has come a bit late for me: two down and I'm not going to risk a third!

maryt/theteach said...

Colin, very funny and you've got it right except when a woman says NO she means NO! :)

Nunyaa said...

I did ask someone one if I could call, we would go for dinner and dancing and maybe see a movie after seeing this :-)

Colin Campbell said...

I just asked She Who Must Be Obeyed and she thought it very accurate and how come I hadn't figured it out yet.

She feels that no meaning yes is a generational thing and hopes our daughter will not have to play those games.

End of supplementary interpretation.

James Higham said...

Love that top pic.

jmb said...

Very funny. Just act as if you believe it and you will make the twenty mark as well.

CelloBella said...

I loved today's photos - forced my son away from his Puzzle Pirates Pillage to see them.


Bag said...

Colin, I'm sorry but if you didn't retain that the first time round you have had no chance of remembering it again. However, it sounds like this one is a catch and letting you have way too much slack which is actually much better that you trying to understand womens logic. It's more complicated that the origin of the universe and lifes other mysteries.

Julie said...

Have you been on a course? Almost full marks - agree with The Teach, tho', no is 'No'. :-)

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