Friday, April 18, 2008

Scottish Cultural Lessons: Humour

Although these were compiled by Mike Smith of Auld Reekie Rants, I feel that they are sufficiently in the public domain that they are fair game to republish.

For those without a Scottish cultural background, I have to say sorry. Detailed explanations available in comments given sufficient groveling or large quantities of unmarked virtual bills.

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. 'Comfy?' asks the dentist. 'Govan,' she replies.

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?' 'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter. 'That's affa deer,' says the guy.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. 'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate. 'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,' he replies.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing. 'No,' argues the assistant, 'look at the label - it says Taiwan .'

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.' And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.'

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d.

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: 'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?' 'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says. 'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?' 'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - 'Aye right.'

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. 'What's up, Jimmy?' he asks. 'Piston broke,' he replies. 'Aye, same as masel...'
And there's mair humour whaur that cam fae.

Have an exquisite day darlings.

Thanks Mike (Even if you do support Hearts).


Robyn Rinehart Art said...

I think I understood some of those.... I think.

I just gotta mention - your page has trouble loading (for me anyway). I think it might be your lovely sunflower heading. It's 132kb, which is quite big for a graphic. Maybe resize a little and save at a lower quality.

Nunyaa said...

Very good Colin, understood a few. Now can someone do Kiwi jokes, have a few of them to add :-)

Colin Campbell said...


Hope that is better. I have meaning to fiddle with it for a while. I liked the picture, but it needed to be smaller.


I didn't know that Australians made jokes about Kiwis :) The only ones that I know involve sheep and unnatural sex. Those sorts of jokes go down well in homophobic Scotland.

Anonymous said...

people who own this blog, did you know that you are a googlewhack!

the words "yobbo chromatophobia" only appear on your website

feel proud...

jams o donnell said...

Haha Colin... I got most of them. Very funny!

jmb said...

Huh? Only five, I'm sad to say.

JayBee said...

Enjoyed all but I guess I have an unfair advantage over most.

James Higham said...

You associate with a Hearts supporter? What about an Arbroath?

Colin Campbell said...

No actually I supported Hibernian. As for Arbroath, well they were and are very lame. Not a bad place to visit, but their football team sucks.

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