Recognise Yourself?

Hopefully Not!

Thanks The Mish Mash

Dumb Celebrity Quotes - Spot the Braincell

Many of these are old, but they are still funny.

# «Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything.»
- Ivana Trump, on finishing her first novel

# «I'm convinced the Beatles are partly responsible for the fall of Communism.»
- Milos Forman, Film director

# «When I'm a blonde, I can say the world is purple, and they'll believe me because they weren't listening to me.»
- Kylie Bax, Model/Actress, in Stuff magazine.

# «The internet is a great way to get on the net.»
- Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate

# «You guys, line up alphabetically by height.»
- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach

# «I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.»
- Britney Spears, on Blender Magazine (April 2004)

# «I think war is a dangerous place.»
- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C. (May 7, 2003)

# «I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.»
- Greg Norman, Golfer

«The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.»
- Dizzy Dean, explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

More dumb stuff here.

Don't Call Your Teddy Mohamed

A 54 year old British Teacher based in the Sudan has been charged with blasphemy, insulting Islam and inciting hatred and faces 40 lashes and a prison sentance and potentially the more serious charge of sedition for allowing the seven year old children in her class to name a teddy Mohamed.

As one commentator on the article in the Times put it.

This is yet another example of the ignorance and obscene nature of Islam. When will the West wake up, forsake political correctness and refuse to accept the backward nature of Islam? The fact that beating this woman with a cane is legal punishment demonstrates the true nature of Islamic doctrine. This type of behavior has no place in the 21st century.

Very sensitive and veangeful some of those Islamic types. It makes you wonder why people would want to go and work and help people in such nutty countries.

Scotland Inspires to Deceive

Scotlands new slogan Welcome to Scotland" eclipses the London Olympics Logo and the Australian Tourist Boards "Where the Bloody Hell Are You?" for sheer inane uninspired first impressions.

Ministers have come up with a "vibrant" new message to greet tourists arriving at Scotland's airports.

The new greeting, "Welcome to Scotland", will replace the previous slogan proclaiming Scotland to be "The Best Small Country in the World".

At least visitors will get it better than another welcoming slogan "Scotland. Pure Dead Brilliant." Are they talking about wearing the wrong colour football top late on a Saturday night in the wrong pub in Glasgow?

I mean how uninspired is that. And it only cost 100,000 pounds to implement. Excellent value. Morons.

Here are some alternative fee free suggestions.

I like these.

Welcome to Scotland. The worst is over.

"Whusky, fooba' fightin'

Scotland Chips For Tea. Chips on Shoulders.

Cardinal Abbott Set to Lie Low

Tony Abbott, self confessed Praetorian Guard to John "I'm History" Howard has not ruled out a run for the Liberal Leadership if it gets to the night of the long knives stage. Despite only managing to drum up 5 votes including his own, his political future seems to depend on the dwindling numbers of the John Howard Fan Club in the Liberal Party (Tony Abbott and ???) and even worse opinion polls for the Liberals. Talk about a catholic approach to politics. "Whip Me Whip Me"

Kevin and the Labor boys and girls must be quaking in their boots (Not!) at the thought of Tony Abbott at the dispatch box. Almost guaranteed to be worth 5 percent two party preferred. Praetorian sounds like a viscious dinosaur. I wonder if that is why it appeals to one of the many reasons John Howard is about to write his memoirs.

Hello Tony it is over. Get over it.

Get Ready to drink wine from Milk Cartons

Eco packaging has the potential to revolutionise the wine industry, with tetra packs, currently used for milk and juices being adapted for the wine industry. The all important carbon footprint is reduced by the dramatic weight reduction compared to bottles, making freight costs dramatically lower. They even claim a longer shelf life than the current box technology.

A century ago refrigeration transformed the beef industry, wiping out the tyranny of distance and giving Australian producers for the first time real access to global markets.

Now an innovative Australian export winery is using Swedish packaging technology to dramatically reduce its carbon footprint and tap into a wave of green consumer activism now sweeping Europe.

Up until now green-minded wine drinkers have had a choice between eco-friendly bag-in-the-box wine and heavy energy-intensive glass bottles. But it has really been no choice at all.

I wonder what the cork snobs will have to say about this. Will it have to be decanted before being served at the table. It looks a bit lowbrow, but very practical. One of the largest local business in our neighbourhood is a huge wine bottle manufacturing facility run by Owens Illinois. I wonder what they make of this incursion into their market?

Stating the Bleedin' Obvious - Australia has lots of solar power potential.

The big red blob over Australia, derived from study of satellite data confirms that Australia is a very good place to implement solar power technology. Why there is not more is beyond me.

University of NSW renewable energy expert Dr Mark Diesendorf said maps such as this not only helped companies interested in building solar power stations but illustrated the energy possibilities of the sun. "Australia has got lots of solar energy potential, and it's not doing enough to tap into that."

Dr Wes Stein, manager of the CSIRO's National Solar Energy Centre, said a 2001 study showed Australia had the highest average solar radiation of any continent. "We are a very good country to do solar energy projects."

The CSIRO hopes to start its own project, incorporating satellite data, to model in detail the spread of solar radiation across the country. "That would give us a very good idea of solar power available in Australia," Dr Stein said.

Amen to that.

Australia Swoons for Becks (Not!)

Becks and the LA Galaxy are playing Sydney tonight. It is a sure sign of how far football has to come here in Australia that it takes a meaningless game between two unimportant teams comprised of has beens and wannabees on the world stage to make it to prime time on the commercial channels.

All breathless razmatas and pure meaningless infootainment.

I am forced to watch Grumpy Old Men and The Bill. Woe is me. Actually I am going to bed.

Welsh Lady to be Australian Prime Minister

Early next month the first Welsh born Prime Minister of Australia will take on the role while Saint Kevin ( walk on water) Rudd goes to Bali to receive multiple blow jobs applause for ratifying Kyoto.

Julia Gillard, the Deputy Prime Minister, born near Barry in Wales and raised in Adelaide and a graduate of the same High School as my wife, will take on the role of Chief Aussie Leek Appreciator for a few days.

Onya Julia.

And Now for the Score

The Old PM's XI
J Howard c McKew b Hubris 0
P Costello stpd on wkt 0
M Brough c Pantsdown b Swing 0
M Turnbull lbw Pulpmill 12
M Vaile awb Scandal 0
A Downer b Ponce 0
P Ruddock b Disgrace 0
T Abbott c Foot b Mouth 0
B Nelson b Kovko 0
K Andrews b Astard 0
C Pyne b Joke 0
Sundries 1
Total 13


The New PM's XI
McKew c Huge b Smile 86
K Rudd c Brevity b F-cksake 07
J Gillard Not out 824
P Garrett Not out 0
D Mocracy
W Swan
S Smith
G Combet
N Roxon
M Kelly
B Brown
Sundries 14
Total 941 for 2

Thanks Crikey

Matt Price Dead at 46

Journalist. Born October 15, 1961, Perth. Died November 25, 2007, Perth

Matt Price, the very insightful and humorous political journalist has died after a short illness, leaving a wife and three kids.

In one corner of The Australian’s cramped bureau in Perth, a well-worn Akubra hangs over a shambolic desk half-hidden with crumpled bits of paper, well-thumbed books on politics and sport, scribbled notes, a small portrait of three adorable children sitting in a park and, just for good measure, a dirty old coffee mug.

Matt Price sat here. He shouted from here, laughed and hooted and banged his fist from here. He got outraged from here, so outraged that he’d rip off his telephone headset after being tipped into a story and come storming into your office, bellowing something about Howard or Rudd or Malthouse.

Matt made a lot of noise. But it was always interesting noise; an opinion (whether you wanted to hear it or not), a joke, a prediction, a secret, a plot. He was the quintessential Australian newspaperman, a prolific writer, a wonderful wordsmith and arguably the best all-round journalist to come out of the west to play such a prominent role in national affairs.

But much more importantly than that, Matt had a heart. He was a beautiful chronicler of the frailties of the human condition. He loved the underdog and the underdog loved him. His rusted-on passion for the Fremantle Dockers was testament to him loving the ugliest dog in the pound.

When doctors found tumours in his brain in early October, Matt wrote a message to his friends telling them that he was about to undergo exploratory brain surgery and about to enter “a long dark tunnel”.

The message was blunt and shocking, but optimistic. He signed off: “No pithy punchline, just the obvious observation - life is fragile, hug your loved ones.”

Matt died yesterday afternoon in his suburban Perth home attended by his beloved wife Sue and their three children, Jack, 16, Matilda, 14, and Harry, 11. It was less than eight weeks since his left arm went “awry” while writing a story on the demise of West Coast Eagles champion wingman Chris Mainwaring, the first warning sign of this mongrel disease that has taken so many at such a young age.

I used to subscribe to his blog and listen to him on political segments on radio and television. The election campaign missed his insight. He will be missed and it makes me very sad. A real gap in my daily reading.

Demolition Completed

Good.

Photo Hunt: Hot

Here is a photograph of my son, who clearly thinks he is pretty hot.


I know that this is cheating, but such a great photograph.

More Photo Hunters Here

Scotland Dies Laughing

Most would have been dead within minutes TRIBUTES are being paid to Scotland this morning after the entire country laughed itself to death.


The alarm was first raised at around 10pm last night as thousands of phone calls and text messages went unanswered.

Small groups of volunteers from Berwick-Upon-Tweed and Carlisle ventured north just after midnight only to find houses full of dead people gathered around still blaring television sets.

By dawn, as RAF helicopters flew over deserted city streets, it was clear that the whole country had suffered a catastrophic abdominal rupture. Wayne Hayes, a special constable from Northumberland, said: "We went into one house in Dunbar and found three men sitting on the sofa with huge smiles on their faces, still holding cans of 70 shilling. They seemed to be at peace."

He added: "In a house near Edinburgh we found a man face down on the living room floor with his trousers and pants round his knees. "It seems he may have been showing his bare buttocks to the television when he keeled over."

Roy Hobbs, a civil engineer from Northampton, said: "I got a call from my friend Ian in Stirling at about 9.50pm. "He was already laughing when I answered the phone, but after about 25 minutes of the most vigorous and uncontrollable hilarity, everything suddenly went very quiet."

Moving tributes are already being placed along the Scotland-England border with many mourners opting to leave a simple bag of chips or a deep fried bunch of flowers.

From The Daily Mash

Cow Porn

ZADE...No.1 Highly Productive Longevity and Outstanding Udders

Life is too short to work with ugly cows!

ZADE..SEXED semen now available again (was sold out) as well as TRIPLE PLUS strength semen. TRIPLE PLUS means more than three times the sperm cells of competitors semen. Most use 9 million, we pack over 36 million sperm cells, post thaw ,progressively motile. ZADE has thousands of dtrs in over 7 countries..now 946 dtrs milking(on test) in 500 herds, five countries !

Seems like this is like breast enhancement for cows.

Inspired by Mutley the Dog.

Carnival of Australia

The latest Carnival of Australia is up at All for Women. A great range of Aussie Blogging.

Famous North Shore Sydney Home Available

Given that the Rudds plan to live at The Lodge in Canberra, Kirribilli is now surplus to requirements. No reasonable bid refused. Indicative offers on Saturday November 24.

Full details at domain.com.au

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North Shore - Lower , Kirribilli

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Kirribilli

• Property Type: House
• Bedrooms: 4
• Bathrooms: 4
• Car Spaces: 2

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111 Kirribilli Avenue

Kirribilli House: OPEN FOR INSPECTION sorry OPEN FOR ELECTION

Contact: Private Advertiser

Request more information

Property details

Property Type:

House

Suburb:

Kirribilli

Region:

Sydney Region

Bedrooms:

4

Bathrooms:

4

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2

Energy Efficiency Rating:

Not available

Property ID: 2006832414

Kirribilli House: OPEN FOR INSPECTION sorry OPEN FOR ELECTION

Impressive waterfront views! Poised on the top of a hill and the envy of
many onlookers, this two storey house is a residence of power. Far superior
to any old Lodge in Canberra, this house fits a family of five and provides
the ultimate abode in which to be relaxed and comfortable.
* Breathtaking views of Sydney's beautiful harbour
* Perfect place to view Sydney's fireworks - especially during events like
the APEC long weekend
* Ideal for extra-curricular fundraising activities
* Includes a $200 000 set of executive chairs (not from IKEA!)
* Plans for $500 000+ renovation of the dining room to re-enact the
predicted last supper
* Uses 28 times more water than the average Sydney household –
one of few properties that can be credited for creating its own mini-drought
* Current occupant considering a move even if a new lease is signed
* A million dollar garden ($1 118 000 million over 6 years) with no worms
(well not the kind that gets turned of mid-debate during 60 minutes)
* Recently received a $386 500 security upgrade that unfortunately
doesn’t stop fireball wielding psychos
* Price negotiable just like your Work Choices employment contract… NOT
* Neighbours you know and trust – ‘you can't help but love Maxine’
The Lodge: Live centre stage in Canberra!
You can’t go past this bargain in the nation’s capital. It’s not often an opportunity
like this comes along. While it doesn’t have the sweeping harbour views of
Kirribilli House, you’ll also be at home in this residence of power.
* Owner selling off assets in an effort to go out with a bang
* Tried twice before to evict the current tenant and its looking like
it’s third time lucky
* Long-term occupancy available (depending on your accountant's or
treasurer's plans)
* Needs a good clean and the lawn mowed: tenant barely there
* Recently refurbished reception areas
* Trying to save $7500 of tax payer funds for every flight between
Canberra and Sydney and another $7500 for a VIP jet to return empty
* Dial-up internet access only – ‘broadband is just a fad’ – two hours to
download a YouTube clip is not a big ask, is it?
* Neighbours you know and trust – ‘as if’
Act now, it’s only a matter of time before interest rates go up again… and
again… and maybe even again. Particularly given there is a greater chance
of Australia signing the Kyoto protocol or saying ‘sorry’ than housing ever
being affordable in this lifetime.
Written, spoken and authorised by The People of Australia for the
People of Australia. Please note this advertisement was not funded by 70%
of labour’s union officials and did not cost taxpayers anything. Your money
is only being used to pay for empty private jets, $500 million dollars in
advertising to secure your vote in the last week of the election and the
usual election sweeteners recently announced.

Digital Mischief http://tinyurl.com/yqqv6b

Indonesian Tree Man Meets Potential Medical Arborist

Astonishing story of the Indonesian man putting down roots.

Dede, now 35, baffled medical experts when warty "roots" began growing out of his arms and feet after he cut his knee in a teenage accident.The welts spread across his body unchecked and soon he was left unable to carry out everyday household tasks.

Sacked from his job and deserted by his wife, Dede has been raising his two children - now in their late teens - in poverty, resigned to the fact that local doctors had no cure for his condition.

To make ends meet he even joined a local "freak show", parading in front of a paying audience alongside victims of other peculiar diseases.

Good Luck to Him.

RIP 50 Million Turkeys

Happy Thanksgiving. I found this interesting historical note on Maggies Farm. I always liked the Cranberry Jelly and the Pumpkin Pie, served up at Thanksgiving Dinner.

There were two first Thanksgivings - one in 1619 in Virginia, and the next in 1621 in Plymouth (Massachusetts).

In Virginia the day of thanksgiving celebrated the landing of a group of 38 English settlers at Virginia's first settlement a little way from Jamestown. The group declared it a day of thanksgiving and said thanks should be "yearly and perpetually kept holy as a day of thanksgiving ..."

In Plymouth 1621, the Governor of the day, William Branford, declared that first feast following the fall harvest as a "day of thanksgiving."

Thereafter, the day following the fall harvest was celebrated each year in all 13 colonies, tho the days changed depending on which state you happened to be harvesting in.

In 1863, in an effort to unite the nation during the Civil War, President Lincoln made his Thanksgiving Proclamation, and declared the last Thursday in the month of November be a day of thanksgiving.

Jump ahead to 1939 and President Franklin D. Roosevelt decided that the best way to strengthen the economy was the lengthen the Christmas buying season, and made his own proclamation -Thanksgiving heretofore will be on the third Thursday in November. Well, Congress didn't agree and in 1941 pushed the date to the fourth Thursday in November - until this year.

Turns out our friend is wrong, since this Thursday is the fourth Thursday of the Month. Thanks to Meeyaw in comments.

Australia Set to Pick Saint Kevin as New Prime Minister

More Wordless Wednesday

Not Happy John

Funny Version



Singing Version

Happy Diamond Anniversary Your Majesty

The Queen accompanied by Camilla Parker Bowles and a few hangers on celebrated her Diamond Anniversary with a Knees Up at Westminster Abbey on Sunday. Her Majesty and Prince Philip are now in Malta attending geriatric rave sessions in Malta.

Come On Australia, we can do better than this. Viva La Republica Australia.

Boof Picks Beach Cricket and a Beer over Lame Redbacks

Darren Lehmann, South Australia's finest contemporary cricketer, former State Captain, Test Cricketer, Captain of Yorkshire....... has finally given in to temptation and chosen to participate in the XXXX Beach Cricket in January rather than hanging in their to play the real stuff. Great sportsmen know when to stop and this is obviously the right time.

Talking during his farewell news conference at the Adelaide Oval yesterday, Lehmann reflected on how much the game had changed.

When he started in 1987, state team training was no more strenuous than a jog along the Torrens River bank then back to the oval for a beer.

Now the players sweated and strained for hours before being immersed in ice baths. "When I started it was beers on ice - now it's players on ice," he said.

I could imagine that the rigours of training and ice baths would do anybody in towards the end of their career. Pass a XXXX Darren (or rather something else please).

Update: Having decided to retire, Darren hit centuries in his final matches, both victories against Western Australia. Not bad for an old geezer, sponsored by a crap beer with plans for a career in beach cricket and family life.

John Howards Vision for Australia

Four more days to get rid of this crazy old man.

From Lisa who reminds us that this Saturday, Election Day is Buy Nothing Day. How UnAustralian!

Know Your Geography of the Middle East and Environs?

Try this. Remarkably tricky.

Coalition Revamps Strategy As Clock Hits Five Sleeps to Annihilation

What was that smell?

Celebrating World Toilet Day - November 19th

Today is World Toilet Day celebrated by Toilet Fans every November 19 and organised by the World Toilet Organisation (WTO).

International statistics (WHO and UNICEF 2000; WHO and UNICEF 2004) indicates that over 2.6 billion people in the world today are without any form of "improved sanitation". The real situation is even worse: the statistics include toilets that are so bad, or shared by so many people that it cannot be regarded as "improved sanitation". Over a billion of the 6 billion people in the world are served by sewerage systems but much of this sewerage is discharged into rivers, lakes and the sea with little or no treatment: Only about 30 % of 1.1 billion people connected to the sewer system have their sewage treated in an environmentally acceptable way (Matsui 2002), which effectively means that the excreta from the remaining, which is 5.7 billion people, are discharged directly into the environment – on the land and to the receiving water bodies.

World Toilet Organization is one of the leading organizations in giving the voice to address this global distress.

Serious stuff. Having some personal (Thanks Mum) and professional training (Civil/Environmental Engineering Degree) in this area, it is an area that I have some knowledge. I can remember many trips around Nepal, where there was human poop everywhere, especially near water courses. Not too much toilet paper in those remote communities. Singapore on the other hand had some lovely toilets, which they wore as a badge of courage. We've got better toilets than you Na! Na! Na! Lah!

The WTO has a fascinating website with merchandise, information on the World Toilet College and Toilet Entertainment. What kind of toilet paper are you? There is also a very useful global language summary so that you can find out how to get to the place of relaxing (Arabic).

Here in Australia, we have an internet based toilet map, which you can query prior to that long trip with Granny or the kids.

We take all that stuff for granted. So when you flush today, think of all those people who have never had and probably never will have an environmentally friendly and hygenic poop management system.

Water versus Coke

I saw this interesting comparison between water and coke earlier this week in an email that my wife forwarded. It has been reproduced in full on I Want to Breathe.

I think everyone knows about the benefits of drinking water, but I liked these bits on the benefits or otherwise of Coke.

#1. the active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid.
It will dissolve a nail in about four days and a T Bone Steak in two days.
Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major
contributor to the rising increase of osteoporosis.

#2.To carry Coca-Cola syrup! (the concentrate) the
commercial trucks must use a hazardous Material place
cards reserved for highly corrosive materials. It is used to clean truck engines, the toilet and to dissolve blood on the road after road accidents.

I quite like the stuff, but only drink it rarely. My big boss only drinks Coke. I will have to ask him if he has any teeth left.

Gilchrist Bashes Six More For Test Record

Adam Gilchrist,the Australian Wicket Keeper and the worlds most exciting cricketer (when he gets going) hit his one hundredth test six yesterday against the somewhat hapless Sri Lankans during the second test in Hobart. I am surprised that it is not more or that more batsmen have not hit more prior to this. Apparently the ball he hit to make the record did not make it's way back on to the ground and has disappeared, no doubt to end up on some sports auction somewhere.

Most of the focus before the series was on whether Murali would get his world record for most wickets in Test Cricket. That doesn't seem likely and it seems more likely that it will be the English who have this honour when they meet in the first test in Kandy, Murali's home town next month.

Kiwi Inventor Chills Out Warm Beer

No more lugging chilli bins for this Kiwi clever clogs. You just pop one of these thingys into a warm beer and in less than 10 seconds you have a cold beer. Very important in this part of the world.

He explained the rapid cooling beverage process he mastered as being "extremely simple".

"You have plastic cooling cells which are pressed down into the dock which houses the liquid carbon dioxide. The liquid CO2 expands and is pressurised into dry ice in the base of the cooling cells ... in a moment.

"You then pop it into your drink and then proceed from there as you normally would."

With a surface temperature of minus 78.5C, dry ice has a cooling capacity almost four times that of the same amount of regular ice.

"The cooling power is almost instant and is utilised for several minutes and it doesn't dilute the drink like ice would," said Mr Hodgson.

Now that is useful.

Scottish Diaspora Crushed By Toni and Panucci

Scotland crashed out of Euro 2008 after losing 2-1 to Italy in Glasgow. Not even the prayers of the nation were enough as Italy and France qualify for next years tournament.

I love Big Meaty Bones

Spotty is a great admirer of large animal bones. A bone like this keeps him busy for about a week.

More Photohunters

photohunt

Implosion of a Political Legacy

Ta Ta John and Peter and Tony and Philip and....

Who would have thought a year ago. I am sure you could go through a bunch of commentary from that period saying it was impossible for Howard to lose. I suppose it is good that it is just that, commentary and opinion. On November 24th let's hope it is etched in stone.

Indian Man Marries Dog to Atone

A man in southern India married a female dog in a traditional Hindu ceremony as an attempt to atone for stoning two other dogs to death — an act he believes cursed him — a newspaper reported Tuesday.

P. Selvakumar married the sari-draped former stray named Selvi, chosen by family members and then bathed and clothed for the ceremony Sunday at a Hindu temple in the southern state of Tamil Nadu, the Hindustan Times newspaper said.

Some stories require no comment.

Glorious Jacarandas all over Adelaide

More Wordless Wednesday

Aussie Love Story

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Anzac bikkies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table here literally hundreds of his favourite Anzac bickies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Aussie wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.

'F#ck off' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

Google as Big Brother

Laurel Papworth exposes Google as Big Brother.

The central witness in a California lawsuit against AT&T says the government is vacuuming up billions of e-mails and phone calls as they pass through an AT&T switching station in San Francisco.
Mark Klein, a retired AT&T technician, helped connect a device in 2003 that he says diverted and copied onto a government supercomputer every call, e-mail, and Internet site access on AT&T lines.

So James was right all along. It is not at all surprising, more surprising that it is coming out at all. Life goes on la la la la.

If the Government gathered all this information by themselves, there would be a revolution few complaints. Why not delegate the task to one of the largest companies in the world? They can make a bundle of money and give it to the Government for free.

I'm off to hide in a remote pacific island and eat seaweed.

John Arlott will be Rolling in his Grave

The ICC are set to trial pink cricket balls in a clever plan to target a female audience ensure the long term viability of one day cricket.

You can add a few more names to the list of not sure about this one, including me. What do you think Geoffrey?

Even I might be able to spin this one. Doosrah Anyone?

Well That is a Relief. Australian Bee Keepers Get Back to Buzziness

Australian Bees have been cleared of the in the involvement in the deaths of their distant US relatives with the finding that the cause of death of Yanqui Bees predated the exporting of Australian Bees to the United States.

The good name of Australia's bees has been restored. A virus linked to the mysterious die-off of bee colonies in the United States did not arrive through Australian exports, according to new research.

Scientists from the US Department of Agriculture who tested samples from US beekeepers found the virus was present since at least 2002 — two years before Australia started exporting bees to the US.

Apparently the $5 million dollar bee export business is still in in jeopardy despite this finding.

The Day the Clarkes had Tea with John and Janette Howard

Yesterday the Clarkes - and especially their 11-year-old son, Daniel - were the stars of an online policy announcement, providing $500,000 to help save the orang-utans of Borneo in Indonesia. "We didn't know he was going to be on YouTube," said Daniel's mother, Penny. "But we were excited when they called on Saturday afternoon to tell us."

What it is really all about. I wonder how many swinging voters are Orang Utan Huggers or is this the first of the desperation political wedges that we can expect as the election heads down to the wire. Next up the Polar Bears or Saving the Tasmanian Tiger, which looks about as likely as a Coalition Victory.

You can see the cute video it in all its glory here.

Dominoes Set to Hit the Big Time

The World Domino Championships are under way in Cuba with a big field of six hispanic countries and plans for bigger and better things.

The president of the International Domino Federation, Eduardo Petreña, told the press that the goal is to have dominoes included in the Olympic program. "We are working hard on making this a fair play, which is one of the premises of the Olympic Games".

I suppose it is harder to hide dominoes up your sleeve.

My grandparents were big domino fans and we had domino competitions in the local village were I went to primary school. Even our kids like it. Perhaps that is their route to a gold medal.

50 of the Dumbest Things Dubya Uttered

50. "I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here." -at the President's Economic Forum in Waco, Texas, Aug. 13, 2002

49. "We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease." -Gothenburg, Sweden, June 14, 2001

48. "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test." -Townsend, Tenn., Feb. 21, 2001

47. "I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport." --Washington, D.C., Oct. 3, 2001

46. "Tribal sovereignty means that; it's sovereign. I mean, you're a -- you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity. And therefore the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities." --Washington, D.C., Aug. 6, 2004 (Watch video clip)

45. "I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah." --at a White House menorah lighting ceremony, Washington, D.C., Dec. 10, 2001 (Listen to audio clip)

Lots more mindbogglingly dumb stuff here.

And this is funny as George dresses down Musharraf for being head of state and head of the military. "Take off the Uniform"

Michael Morphs

Judge for yourself.

The Jackson Five were one of the first 45s that I bought. My first wife brought me Thriller in the 1980s. I saw him live in Singapore in the mid 1990s. He is about a year older than me. What to say.

Lawyer Jokes - Tom Paine Look Away

What do lawyers use for birth control?
* Their personalities.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
* A tick falls off of you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
* To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?
* Not enough sand.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
* A Doberman.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
* If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
* One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
* They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyer's creed:
* A man is innocent until proven broke.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
* Lipstick.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
* Skeet.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
* Chelsea Clinton

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
* It might be your bicycle.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
* The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
* So cold, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates."$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied,"and what was your third question?"

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
* You shoot the lawyer...twice.

Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
* He gets taller.

And guess where these jokes came from?:

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No Ho Ho Ho Yes Ha Ha Ha for Santas in Adelaide

Coming Soon to Adelaide?

With yesterdays Adelaide Christmas Pageant done and dusted we can move on to the Peace and Love blatent commercialism of Christmas with the arrival of Santa. Adelaide Santas have a more complicated politically correct agenda to contend with this year, with the term Ho Ho Ho banned by their politically correct employer, Weststaff.

The term "ho" is also American slang for a prostitute. "We were told it (ho) was a derogatory term for females and can upset people," said the Santa, who did not want to be identified publicly.

"As far as I'm concerned, a hoe is something you dig the ground with.

"I don't think you'll hear too many Santas saying `ha, ha, ha'."University of South Australia communications senior lecturer Dr Jackie Cook said any banning of "ho, ho, ho" was "nonsense".

"Can we use a garden hoe anymore? Do we have to remove that?" she said.

"Ho, ho, ho from Santa is going to be everywhere. It's going to be in books, on Christmas cards and kids are going to come across it sooner or later.

"You could say that `ha, ha, ha' was dangerous because it was always tied to the villains in movies and horror films."

Santa as the Joker?

And in case you were interested, Santa is on an Australian Workplace Agreement (AWA) with the following conditions.

The `ho, ho, ho' edict came as Santa's working conditions were also revealed. The Sunday Mail has obtained a copy of Westaff's "Santa Project" Australian Workplace Agreement.

The 15-page document stipulates, in part, that Santa will:

WORK on a casual basis and earn a base rate of $20.50 an hour.

GET a 10-minute paid toilet break during a four-hour shift and a 30 minute unpaid meal break if working 5.5 hours or longer.

BE AVAILABLE to work at any time on any day for the six weeks leading up to Christmas.

He must also maintain character at all times so as "not to raise any questions or complaints" from customers. His uniform and accessories must always be presentable.

Mr Jansz said the AWA passed the Federal Government's Fairness Test.

This sort of stuff makes me want to puke.

Test Cards - Rivetting Viewing

The original BBC TV Test Card from the 1940s.

My first experience of the test card was an early morning, sleeping over with the Granny with the black and white television. Rivetting viewing. The television world has changed now, with content available 24/7. What used to be the tedious and boring test card is replaced with tedious and boring religious broadcasting, infommercials, old films.....

Now you can get a nostalgic test card clock. Riveting. Tick Tock......

Thousand Year Old Trees succumbing to intense drought

The River Red Gums (Eucalyptus Camuldensis), so typical of the Australian landscape and so prevalent along the River Murray are dying in large numbers as the pattern of flooding that sustains them along the water course stops occurring with the intense drought.

Many of these trees have lived up to one thousand years and are being done in by climate conditions. Very sad.

When I was growing tree seedlings for Trees for Life, I grew two cases of a variation of these trees. Hopefully they are growing somewhere.

The Start of our Fantasy Life of Crime

Now I know why our kids have been acting odd. They love these and have made many different creations over the last few months. Other than the high you can get, they are exasperating to keep track of. Gazillions times worse than lego with little pieces everywhere.

The toy is produced by Melbourne company Moose and won this year's toy of the year award at the Melbourne Toy and Hobby Fair. Bindeez consists of colourful craft beads that are joined together to create designs. They are sprayed with water to fix them.

The company yesterday ordered a nationwide recall of the Chinese-made product, saying a chemical had been substituted without the company's knowledge. The toy contains beads that have been found to contain a chemical that the body metabolises into gamma-hydroxy butyrate (GHB), also known as "grievous bodily harm". It should instead contain a non-toxic glue.

I wonder if we will be nailed for drug running. We just sent Bindeez to the rellies in the UK.

Happy Birthday Hannah and Ryan

Surgeons in India began a marathon operation on Tuesday to save a two-year-old girl born with eight limbs.

Thirty-six doctors covering a range of specialties from pediatrics to plastic surgery are involved in the 40-hour operation at the Sparsh Hospital in Bangalore.

Doctors believe Lakshmi, who was born attached to a headless conjoined twin that stopped developing in the womb, has an 80 per cent chance of surviving the procedure.

Our kids have their birthdays this week. We are busy wrapping presents and icing cakes late at night. Hannah is nine tomorrow. Ryan is seven on Saturday. We are lucky that they are such nice and trouble free kids. Seeing this young girl reminds me how lucky we are. I hope that she can be helped by some clever doctors.

Update: The amazing x ray is here.