Sunday, November 11, 2007

Lawyer Jokes - Tom Paine Look Away

What do lawyers use for birth control?
* Their personalities.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
* A tick falls off of you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
* To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?
* Not enough sand.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
* A Doberman.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
* If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
* One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
* They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyer's creed:
* A man is innocent until proven broke.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
* Lipstick.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
* Skeet.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
* Chelsea Clinton

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
* It might be your bicycle.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
* The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
* So cold, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates."$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied,"and what was your third question?"

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
* You shoot the lawyer...twice.

Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
* He gets taller.

And guess where these jokes came from?:

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jmb said...

Q. Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

A. To practice.

This one is from the sidebar of a lawyer's site. She changes the joke almost daily and says she is far from needing to repeat.

Lord Nazh said...

take it easy on lawyers... 99% of them give the rest a bad name :)

James Higham said...

Yeah, Tom will really love this one.

Anonymous said...

Good stuff.

I love the one about the leaches and the one about the lawyer having his hand in his own pockets.

Lawyers are good targets to poke fun at - they are all richer than the rest of us!



P.S. It's refreshing to visit a web site from Adelaide.

I'm from Melbourne and I'm currently living in South Korea. I miss Australia and it's good to hear some jokes from down under rather than jokes from Americans about the American congress.

Keep it up!

Colin Campbell said...

I laughed when Adsense kicked out an advert for Lawyers Jobs in Adelaide from this post.

Anonymous said...

How many lawyer jokes are there??

There's two...the rest are true stories.

Anonymous said...

Of course there's an honest lawyer. It's a pub in Nelson, NZ.

Anonymous said...

What do you call 200 lawyers at the bottom of the sea.

* A good start.

fake consultant said...

two lawyers walking down the street...one says: "oh my god, it's my wife and my mistress-together!"

the other one says: "oh my god-mine too!"

what's the difference between a lawyer and a whore?

a whore quits screwing you when you're dead.

fake consultant said...

the girlfriend reminded me of the joke i forgot:

two lawyers are walking down the street, and they see a beautiful woman.

"boy i'd like to screw her."

"outta what?"

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